Book of Vents

Lonely and Alone

Happily I smiled over at him, hands tightly holding the others'. We walked down the sidewalk in the cool of the evening, the warmth from his hand radiating into my own. Soon we approached his home.

We sat on the steps, I lay back on the porch, staring happily at the ceiling. I then close my eyes for a moment, when suddenly I gasp out feeling a tight pain in my chest.

I lift my head and look at my chest, where my eyes drift from the knife being slowly twisted within my chest and then sharply removed. I trail my tear filled eyes from the bloody knife that holds my still-beating heart, that's now becoming crumbling broken bloody pieces; I trail from that knife up the arm to see the one person I've ever had smiling sadly with teary eyes.

He whispers in my ear, forever echoing in my mind. "Sorry, my feelings aren't that strong as they used to. We're done."

My eyes shoot open, tears flowing from my eyes down my cheeks and dripping onto my blankets. I breath heavily as I process my horrific nightmare. Soon reality sinks in as i clutch my chest where my heart lays, and I slowly lay back down, curling up into my blankets while staring blankly at the wall.

Soon my vision blurs with warm tears, my body shakes violently as I hug the blankets that surround me tighter before I cry out and allow tears to flow and fill my eyes. Thoughts swarm my mind as i sink into a depression: this can't be real,.. how could he just stop loving me... why... how can I change what happened... how badly did I fuck up this time?!...

No answers came to my mind. Only thoughts of blame, pain, and loneliness answered the calls of my mind.

I hugged the blankets even more tighter the more I cried and trembled, I denied the existence of what happened. I tried to convince myself that it hadn't happened, but of course my brain knew that it indeed did happen. That I had lost the one I had loved, that I still love. That they lost feelings in me, never a way to win them back.

Loving someone who doesn't love you anymore is far worse; if not equal, to experiencing the grief of losing the life of a close friend or relative.

For hours, I cry, knowing that in that moment, a part of me died. The part of me that had happiness with someone, the part of me that knew I was going to spend my life with them, the part of me that had a best friend who was also my lover... the part of me that knew what love was.

Now, I'm a shell of who i had become. Feelings of loss and emptiness replace what i had; feelings of belong and happiness. I felt for the longest of times, that this person is who I will say my vows to... but then they say the feelings are not there... my whole heart, world, soul; just shattered with a simple sentence.

"The feelings just aren't as strong as they used to..."

Hearing that sentence... was the end of something wonderful. That moment is when I found out I never knew what love was. That I was wrong. That I am worthless. That I am unlovable.

My chest, my heart, feeling both physically and emotionally; pained and empty. How can I ever feel happy again? How will I ever know if I love someone after feeling so strongly, but in reality being so, fucking dead wrong?

That's just it... I can't. At least for a long time. But until then, I will feel this way... lonely and alone.