Interviewing Bella Cullen (Yes, she really is that stupid.)

Interviewing Bella Swan: Ditz Redefined

We could be considered twilight haters, but Food Dispenser, at least, read all the books and watched all the movies first - so it's an educated decision on her part :)

Here's a little piece for your amusement! (With what I think are some valid points.....)

Non-dialogue descriptions are done in brackets, e.g. - (and)

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Scene:

Bella sits on a black leather couch, a box of tissues situated on a small varnished wood table to the left. The room is nondescript; white walls, dark floor, yellow lights that cast a dim glow on everything, but mainly spotlight Bella.

Interviewer:

So, Bella, let's cut right to the chase. Why do you love Edward?

Bella:

Oh, that's easy!

(Several moments of silence ensue as Bella sits, deep in thought, wracking her pathetically small brain for an answer.)

Umm....Roasted eggplants!

Interviewer:

Erm....What?

Bella:

Roasted eggplants! That's, like, what he thinks I smell like or something. Just, like, looking at me makes his mouth water! He has this secret urge to, you know, eat me. Isn't that sweet? I mean, how many girls out there can honestly say that their boyfriend/husband loves them so much that he actually wants to eat them!

(Bella gazes off dreamily into space)

Interviewer:

Erm....Is that the only reason?

Bella:

Yeah! Oh, actually no - he sparkles!

Interviewer:

I see. So, Edward thinks you smell like roasted eggplant or something and he sparkles. Sounds like a solid foundation for a relationship.

Bella:

Is that sarcasm?

Interviewer:

No; I completely and honestly from the bottom of my heart mean every word I just said. Are you sure that hose are the only reasons that you love him?

Bella:

Yes. Wait, no. He's so gorgeous! He is, like, totally hot. His pale, sickly skin....his lucious, unbrushed hair....his perfect teeth....his beautiful body....his shiny fingernails...his cute little ears...his adorable toes....his slender fingers....his high cheek bones....his soft elbows.....his unblemished knees.....his flat stomach....his full lips.....his color changing eyes...his smooth forehead.....his innie belly button.....his trim waist....his size ten feet.....his

Interviewer:

Yes, we get it, we get it!

Now, next question: Why did you want to become a vampire?

Bella:

Turkey sub.

Wait, did you ask "What is the most common species of animal in Brazil?" or "Why did you want to become a vampire?"?

Interviewer:

Umm.....The second?

Bella:

Oh. Well, because then I"D sparkle! Duh.

Interviewer:

Oh.

Next question.

Now, am I right in my facts that Renesmee, yours and....Edward's.....daughter, has strangely warm skin?

Bella:

Yeah.

Interviewer:

Isn't that a werewolf characteristic?

Bella:

Yeah, it is.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? ARE YOU SAYING THAT JACOB AND I - Hey look a butterfly! Aww, it's so cute!

(In a moment of ADD, Bella stares, enchanted)

Interviewer:

Um, that's not a butterfly. That's a wall.

Bella:

Close enough.

(Bella rolls her eyes in exhasperation)

Interviewer:

Sure.

Anyway, on our last topic. Renesmee appears to have more werewolf characteristics; for instance, her warm temperature, her fast and vividly beating heart, and memory reading - just like the mindset of a werewolf pack.

Bella:

That's not true! She also likes to bite people, like a vampire!

Interviewer:

So do most other toddlers.

Now, Jacob and you appear to have had quite the thing going on for a while there. Considering that Jacob went and imprinted on Renesmee, doesn't this seem morally wrong on way to many levels?

Bella:

Ummm.....

(Bella closes her eyes and yells:)

THE CLOSED CAPTIONING OF THIS INTERVIEW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY POKEMON. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

(Bella sits with her eyes still closed.)

Interviewer:

Bella, I can still see you.

Bella:

(Bella sticks her fingers in her ears)

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA......

Interviewer:

(Shouting over Bella)

THAT'S ALL FOR TONIGHT, FOLKS. CATCH US NEXT TIME WITH OUR NEXT VICTIM...I MEAN INTERVIEWEE....EDWARD CULLEN!