Agony

Chapter 7

We are out on the beach, with good amount of drinks and snack near us. There is no way i can do this sober so i just kept drinking silently, guys knowing that i am preparing myself – they are talking about anything and everything. I just kept looking at them and said "I love you guys". They stopped talking and looked at me; it was Beam who answered "We know. We have been friends for so long that cannot imagine the time we were not friends, but, times up – now spill" he added.

I took a deep breath "Do you remember the time when i took almost 2 months leave from school when we were in 6th grade?" i asked. They both looked at each other – and then Pha said "that's when you came back all injured and wouldn't speak to us for some time, it took a whole year for you to return to normal" he paused... and then said "Oh , Kit.... really? What made you wait so long to tell us" now that i started i wanted to finish without hearing any questions.

"for a brief period then, i thought i loved beam – i never told you guys, but was naive enough to blurt it out to my mom at my home" i said looking at beam, his face was motionless . i continued "my pa father's was home at that time – he threw such a temper tantrum, i was beaten senseless and was locked up in a dark room for almost 3 days without food or water. I would scream for help none that came"

I paused, unable to look at them but i continued looking at the water "i don't know when but out of the blue my grand pa entered – you like boys, i will show you how painful it is to love a boy – he said, raped me with a stick and left me bleeding. I was locked up again – i would hear my ma and pa fighting, it was horrible. One day my ma threatened to kill others and herself only after that the door was opened. I came out and remember not seeing grandpa in the house, but standing outside yelling. First and last time i saw my Pa crying out loud, begging for my forgiveness. I still remember that look on his face – and my grandpa cursing him for being so weak which i inherited as well."

Tears were running down my face, Beam and Pha did not say anything. I continued "I am never able to step out of it; I am still scared of dark which you guys know but now you know the reason. I do not want to put my ma and pa through that again. I love Ming, but I still can't help myself. I do not want to be called a "lady-boy" or "Gay". What if he breaks up with me after i under go all this? I don't think i will be able to stay alive".

Beam just moved close to me and hugged me tight, not a word said but there were a thousand comfort shared in that hug. Pha did the same – it was the first time ever where Pha has displayed physical emotion. They didn't question me or say a word of pity. I was worried if they will look down on me, but i can't help feel a bit relieved and stronger at the same time. We sat there for a long time saying nothing but just drinking beer.

We were standing up getting ready to go back home, Beam just walked up in front of me "Kit – 1st Thanks for loving me or even thinking you loved me. I do the same. 2nd – Man you are a goner" he said with a laugh "I can sense that your main fear is not putting your parents through it, or your fear of being gay - but mostly what if Ming breaks up after" he paused and winked "but don't worry i will break every bone in his body and you will still have me as fallback seeing how single I am" he smiled and trust Beam to make a major turmoil into a simple fact.

"I seriously hope it doesn't come to that Beam" i said and gave him a punch on his shoulders "Thanks" i said silently. "No need pal" he said and turned to Pha "Now, let's go confirm is that flirt Ming is worthy of my pal else lets break a few more bones of his".

We walked back laughing out loud with Pha's arms on my shoulder and Beam making fun of me for confessing ever so late, especially when am in Love with some one else.

That night i slept peacefully without anynightmare or night lights on, and felt safe for the first time in years.�