brooke
i depended on his love, he hurt me countless times but i ached for some kind of affection and he gave me what i yearned for. the tears fell faster down my cheeks as i thought back to all the nights i have sat in this same messy bed crying. i didn't want this anymore but at the same time it was what was keeping me alive.
i placed the back of my hands on the flimsy bed to our ranch house in the middle of nowhere, i worked my ass off to keep this, to keep him. but he still refused to love me like he should. i thought back to the night we met.
how it was all a setup, how he meant to rape me that night, how i was meant to be tied to that bed for some dirty deed he wanted. for some reason i craved his attention. it was the lack of attention i got in the first place that made me need it more.
i pushed my fragile body off the dirty bed, i had seemed to forget about my needs in the process of trying to meet his every need. i wanted to be what he wanted and each time i saw one of the other girls i tried to become more and more of a different person, one that wasn't me.
i walked to the dirty glass window. i looked out at the silent street, it made the daze i was in to seem never-ending. maybe i was just so lost in love that i forgot what it felt like to be needed, to be wanted.
all i knew was him and his bad acts. the other girls in that bed behind me became the usual thing to walk into. i would get mad, i would yell, scream. but he cared less and less each time i saw someone new with him.
i forgave him countless times, let him hurt me more and more. it was all for one reason. i ached for someone's attention. attention that no one else could give me but mostly for the feeling of love. the feeling of being wanted.
i wasn't wanted.
i walked around the bedroom until finally bringing myself to the front door that was just outside my, no our, bedroom door. i opened the door and stepped into the winter air of february, i loved winter but this year i felt at a loss for things i loved.
i was starting to grow old of everything. my eyes wandered around the neighbourhood, the small ranch houses that across the street from ours made me sick to the stomach knowing a couple lived there, what hurt more was knowing they loved each other.
i wanted to be loved someone, the same way i loved them. i shivered as the cold wind blew by. i stepped back inside the heated house. i wanted to scream but my voice was gone since my crying had kept me up all night until six am, present time.
the sun was starting to rise but he wasn't here, he was gone all night yet again. it became a usual occurrence, i felt less wanted as each day rolled by.
i sighed as i walked to the couch. i threw myself down on it not caring if i bumped my head on the wall behind it, i wanted to feel something, i had lacked that feeling for such a long time it became foreign to feel good or just to feel something.
a pounding on the door made me come to my feet once more. i swayed carelessly to the door. i opened it to see him; chris. i loved him, if only he loved me.
the smell of cheap vodka traveled through my sense as i took him into a hug, i knew he was drunk driving and i was sure as hell lucky that he didn't get pulled over for the foolish and illegal move he had just decided to pull.
he laughed pushing me off of him as he slammed the door closed. the laughed was mocking me, i wanted to know what was so funny, why i was such a joke in his eyes. he threw my slim frame against the wall.
"i made you dinner but you're quite late." i said moving towards the kitchen, a pounding headache had me reaching for the medicine cabinet. everything felt like a stagnant movie scene. i poured two pills of advil into my hands. i downed them without any water even though that's bad for your body.
i felt to weak to take a glass down from the top shelf. i rubbed at the back of my head, the hair that covered my head was knotty but i had run my hand through it so many times tonight it felt like it was supposed to be that way.
"made me dinner, it's probably terrible knowing you made it." he scoffed taking out the cold meal i had made hours ago, the one that was at the table with me for two hours as i waited for his arrival. he opened it, he looked down at it before it came in contact with my face.
i felt the anger building up as my nails dug into my palm, i knew that the nails would leave red marks on my palm but the anger wasn't subsiding anytime soon. i screamed before pushing harshly at his chest.
"we met because you raped me, it took me forever to forgive you yet all you do is cheat on me!" i screamed kicking at him but he grabbed my leg before pushing me onto the ground. "oh love, i am much, much, stronger than you are." he said as he pushed me towards the ground.
i felt the wind going by my face, it took seconds before my head smashed into the hardwood floors of the small house that i started to despise more than myself. I screamed in pain trying to kick him but instead he caught my feet in his large hands and dragged me across the dark wood.
he threw me into more walls until finally i was in the bedroom. he threw me forcefully against the corner of the wall, i felt so much pain that it ached to even open my eyes. the advil couldn't fix the killer headache that was now transpiring in my head.
i kept my eyes closed in hopes it would make the pain go away, the sight of him coming at me to vanish but it was all just wishful thinking as his fist came in contact with my nose making me feel more muzzy. the dizziness overtook everything, when i closed my eyes it was worse.
i kept them open as he smashed my face with his large fists until finally i was out and everything was dark once more.
