I can't be saved // Destiel

Chapter 9

18th March 2001

When they arrived at the motel Cas put Dean on his bed and went to walk out the door.

"Please don't go." Dean whimpered trying to walk over to Cas. His emotions were everywhere. "I'm not going anywhere Dean," Cas helped Dean back to his bed. "Is there anything you want? Water? Food?"

"I'm fine Cas."

"No, you're not Dean. I'm going to the diner up the road. If you don't come I'm bringing you food back."

"Okay, I'm coming." At least if he went he could choose what he wanted and just get something small. It's better off not explaining to Cas that he hasn't eaten much in weeks. As they walked to diner the fear that has been resting in the back of Dean's mind resurfaced. He tried to push it back and just focus on now but it continuously ate away at him. How was he going to tell dad? Actually thinking about it caused Dean to freeze up. He could feel his breathing faltering but he didn't try to fix it. He deserved whatever came at him. He caused the death of his little brother. 

It wasn't until he heard "Dean!" and the terror in Cas' voice that he tried to fight against it. "Dean, it's going to be okay," Cas whispered into his ear pulling him into a hug. "Just breathe. Focus on my voice. Focus on something. It's okay." When he pulled away there were tears streaming down his face and his eyes were puffed up. "It's okay Dean, you can get through this."

"It's not just Sam Cas." Dean choked out staring at the angel's feet.

"What else is it then Dean?" He asked trying to understand how he could be thinking about anything else right now.

 "How am I going to tell dad what happened? I didn't deserve to be saved. It should have been me that died. Not Sammy, he's just a kid Cas!"

"We'll work through this Dean. Just focus on now." But focusing on now was going to be hard. Cas had no idea what it was like to have a father like his. His father hated him, the only reason his dad was around was for Sammy. His drinking addiction caused him to be like this. After mum's death. Now almost every time he saw dad he was getting abused. He was terrified. Who knows what dad would do. He clutched the sides of his head trying to fight back the visions. "Dean!" Cas ran back to him and pulled him into another hug. 

"I can help you tell your dad. Try and focus on now. I know it's going to be hard." It was hard for Cas because he knew exactly what Dean was going through. He was forced out of heaven by his brothers saying he wasn't good enough for dad. Dad was gone, he didn't care about us angels anymore. But he couldn't focus on that now. He needed to focus on Dean. 

"Thank you, Cas, it really means a lot." The next moments happened so quickly and he wasn't even sure Dean realised it was happening because he was so filled with emotions. Dean raised his head and hugged Cas back.

Cas didn't know what to do. He had never been in a situation like this before. Was it even allowed. Before he realised Dean had pulled away but still had his arms around him. Dean buried his face into Cas' chest and he could feel the tears still streaming down. He heard a muttered "I love you Cas." From Dean.

"I-I love you too Dean." Cas stuttered back. His head was spinning with emotions. Does Dean really mean this? Or is his head just filled with bad thoughts and he can't think properly? Would a relationship between us even be allowed? Are we just friends? He felt Dean relax a little. They made it to the diner and went to sit down. For a few minutes they sat in an awkward silence before someone approached their table. 

"Hi, what can I get for you today?" she said in a cheery voice. 

"A steak burger." Cas looked at Dean

"I'll have some apple pie."

"Okay." She walked off scribbling their order down.

"Dean, is there anyone else that could tell your father?"

Dean sat in silence for a few minutes thinking before saying "Actually, yeah there is," he reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. "Bobby." He opened Bobby's number and looked at it before deciding not to call it.

"Dean?"

"I'll call him when we get back to the motel."

"Okay." Cas noticed that he'd said 'when we get back to the motel'. Did that mean he'd be going back with Dean?

They made their way back to the motel after eating in an awkward silence. Dean had to admit, food did make him feel a little better. "Hey Cas?" Dean let his curiosity get the better of him and he slightly glanced his head toward the angel.

"Yes Dean?"

"Well, since you're an angel, do you actually need to eat? I know demons don't and I'm guessing heaven's army would be more powerful."

"Because I became a human with my grace i-"

"What's you're 'grace'?" Dean cut in

"It's a celestial energy that gives us our powers. Without it I would be considered entirely human."

"Well why are you considered human now but you still have your grace?"

"I don't know Dean. I have been cut off from all of heaven which means I'm not technically an angel either."

"So what were you saying about being human before I cut you off?"

"I need to eat because I am entirely human other than my powers. I could die just like you. I can get hungry and dehydrated." Dean went silent for a moment, probably trying to take in everything that was happening. The walk back to the motel was silent but it wasn't as awkward as before.