I can't be saved // Destiel

Chapter 11

20th March 2001

Cas woke up at about 1 in the afternoon with a raging headache. He tried to go back to sleep but no such luck. Dean heard him turn over in the bed and went to check on him with some ibuprofen. "Dean, my head hurts." He handed Cas the tablets and a bottle of water.

"Anyway Cas, check out was meant to be an hour ago so you should grab your stuff and I'll check us in at that motel down the road. I hear they have excellent water pressure. Unless you need to go home – which, of course wouldn't be a problem." He heard a groan come from inside the room as he packed up Sammy's things. He had to stay strong because he didn't want to worry Cas but in actual fact he'd been having non-stop nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes he was driven to a world filled with undying pain. He relived Sam's last few moments over and over again. He tries to think of ways to stop it but they all end the same. He could never forgive himself for letting Sammy die and Dad wouldn't either. Cas downed the pills and went to find Dean. He walked in on him in tears.

"Here, Dean. Let me."

"No Cas, it's fine. I've got it." He wiped at his face and desperately wanted this all to be over. Sammy wasn't here so what even was the point of living. "Hey Cas? I think I just need to be alone for a while."

"Yes Dean, of course. I understand." Cas had a look of worry in his eyes but tried to hide it from Dean.

*

Dean threw his bag on the back seat and watched Cas walk off. He looked at the gun in the passenger seat and hit the gas. He drove until he nearly passed out. He pulled over on the side of the road and screamed. There wasn't a car in sight and he was in the middle of nowhere. Tears rolled down his face and memories of Sam came flooding to him. Sam saying his first words. He remembered it clear as day. "Bean." He could picture Sam's giggling face as he attempted to say Dean again. He remembered when Sam kept asking what had happened to mum and why dad was never home. Dean knew then he had to keep his chin up, for Sammy. But what was the point now?

He could feel a panic attack coming on as his breathing faltered. "I'm sorry Sammy." He managed to choke out. Dean didn't believe in a heaven but he sure as ever believed in a hell. "I'm so sorry." His vision started to black out and he knew it was now or never.

He raised the gun up to his chin, choking slightly. His last few thoughts. What about Cas? Tears were streaming down his face and he couldn't find a single reason to hang on.