But I'm Not Fine//M.Y.G

Chapter 5

It was history lecture and a very important one too. Yet, I couldn't take the thought of being unwanted for you out of my mind.

I excused myself to the washroom and took a quick glance at you. You never looked back at me.I ran to the washroom and cried.

I cried after a long time. The pain that I received from being a human punch bag, was nothing compared to what I was feeling today. The last time I cried was when my father committed suicide. The day my support system decided to leave me all alone with a woman who despised my very existence. But, what made me cry even more was his suicide note.

--FLASHBACK--

I was waiting outside my father's room who had hanged himself. My tears were flowing uncontrollably as I recalled the beautiful memories I had with my once happy and contented family. The police were inside papa's room, investigating for something I didn't know about. One officer came out with a pitiful expression and handed my step mother a note.

I saw her reading the note with a shocked expression and then observed the change in the expression. It turned 0-100 real quick as she came and slapped my 6 year old self. She threw the paper and ran away while crying and I quickly snatched the paper from the floor as I too, ran to my room and cried.

-The next morning-

I woke up with puffy and red eyes and a blocked nose due to crying too much. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw my father's suicide note. Still unaware of why my step-mother slapped me, I decided to read it.

And I shouldn't have read it.

'Dear y/n,

You know how much papa loves you. But, papa was never happy my child. Looking at you, I could only think of your mother as you look exactly like her. You both are so beautiful. I can't take it anymore. It feels like torture, it feels like a burden to live without her. I am sorry but I have to go my child. I know you are very strong and you will always try to be happy. I trust you to take care of yourself. I am happy too. But deep inside I hate it. I hate being reminded of my dead wife, I hate not being able to move on. I can't go forward and I can't go back. So, looks like my journey ends here.

Always be find and healthy. Try to forgive me if you can.

Papa'

--FLASHBACK ENDS--

I was always a burden for him. I was the reason he died. I was the reason no one can see his smile. I deserve it all. I deserve all the hits I get, I deserve all the pain.

The day I read that note, was the first time all the happiness in me died.

Today is the second time it did.