thunderstruck | book #2 | discontinued

V I I

"Adam."

There was an interminable moment of silence as Remy and Adam looked at one another, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Remy noticed that Adam's features seemed harsher than she had remembered them being, his eyes narrowed and lips pursed, and that was enough to confirm that he was angry with her. In all of the time they had known one another, even when Remy had pushed him away after he had tried to kiss her, he had never looked at her like this before. He had always been warm towards her, and this sudden—or perhaps it was not so sudden, for she had been gone for months—change in him made her stomach twist, so that she had to look away.

"I ..." she stuttered. Remy did not think she had ever stuttered around Adam before.

"What, Remy?" His brows furrowed, his blue eyes piercing into her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. "Say it."

"I don't know what to say," she admitted finally. The sea breeze whipped her hair across her face, but she made no move to tuck it behind her ear. She would rather her face was half-covered, rather Adam could not see how disconcerted she was. In her pockets, her fists were clenched. "What do you want me to say, Adam?"

Adam scoffed, but Remy barely noticed. She was too busy wondering if he had always been this tall, so much so that she had to crane her neck to look at him. She supposed he had; perhaps it was Remy who had shrunk. She certainly had never felt smaller than she did now, knowing her mother was still inside the police station trying to figure out why her daughter wouldn't talk to her, and Sarah being interrogated no doubt, lying for Remy's sake.

"How about: 'I'm sorry that I went missing for three and a half months, leaving you to worry'? Or: 'I'm sorry I pulled Sarah in with me, so that both of your friends were gone and you were left here sticking missing posters up, knowing they wouldn't help'?"

"I didn't ..." she paused, biting her lip as a seagull croaked suddenly and she had to force herself not to jump. It was happening again; that oversensitivity to her surroundings. Everything was too loud, too real, too much to process. There were police sirens going off in the distance, and the sun was too bright even from behind the clouds, and then there was Adam, standing too close and looking too much like he might explode at any second. She took a deep breath, remembering what it was she wanted to say. "I didn't know you were that close with Sarah."

Adam's eyes finally lowered as he shook his head so that she felt as though she could breath again, if only for a moment. "You're unbelievable."

"I know," she responded numbly, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, her eyes were set on the horizon behind Adam. From here, it was difficult to distinguish where the sea ended and the sky begun. Everything was simply grey. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone, and I certainly didn't mean to put Sarah in danger. I ... I have to go, Adam."

She walked around him, speeding up as soon as she was far enough away from the police station.

"Remy, wait," Adam called from behind her. She heard the sound of his feet hitting the pavement as he jogged to catch up with her, and then he was beside her again. Even so, she didn't stop.

"Look, you don't have to tell me I'm a bad person. I know that. If you want to shout at me, it's going to have to wait."

They were on the main road now, and cars flew past as Adam grabbed Remy's wrist, preventing her from crossing the road. In front of her was the beach—her beach—and her feet itched to feel the comfort of sand beneath them. It was the only place that could calm her down, and she fidgeted, hopping from one leg to another, under the weight of her desperation to reach it.

"I'm not going to shout at you. I just ... I just want to talk to you. I want to understand. I was so worried about you, and after a while I wondered if I'd ever see you again. Do you know what that feels like?"

She gulped, glad that his eyes were no longer stony and cold. "I can't tell you where I was, Adam."

"Yes," he sighed, "you can. I've already spoken to Sarah. I know what happened, Remy—or at least, what happened to her. You, I'm not so sure, but you can talk to me. I want you to talk to me."

"Fine," she nodded quietly, only a little surprised that Sarah had been talking to Adam about it all.  Her chest felt tight as she crossed the road, uncaring when a car horn blared at her for stepping out without looking. She didn't turn to see if Adam had followed, but she could feel him, feel herself being watched by him, and tried not to blush. She knew how she must look to him; she had always been so self-aware, so in control before, but now she felt as though she was falling off one of the cliffs at Nil Lake, clutching onto the crumbling rock by two fingers. Part of her wanted to drown in its waters the way that she almost had before. At least then she would stop having to feel so unlike herself.

"Jesus, Remy, didn't they have crossings in that wizard place, or, you know, road safety in general?" 

"They didn't have cars at all, so no, road safety was not their biggest concern," she responded, feeling her heart slow slightly when her feet passed the line between concrete and sand.

The sea was a controlled kind of chaos today, with the waves rising in high arches and then splashing violently when they fell against the rocks. Remy couldn't remember the last time she had been here, and it was perhaps the first time she felt even a hint of normality since coming home. Even so, the murky ocean reminded her ever so slightly of the black waters of Nil Lake, and she shivered, remember how it had felt to plunge into such an icy darkness.

The tide seemed to be pulling her in without permission, and she stumbled towards it, remembering having felt this way once before, when she had found something. A key. When her feet were half-submerged in the waves, she looked down, expecting to find it again—wishing, perhaps, that she could. But there was nothing there, save for bits of crisp packets and plastic bags. No key. No chance at ever seeing him again.

"Remy?" Adam questioned, his voice filled with confusion. She turned around, realising she had gone further than she had meant to. Her jeans were wet almost up to the knee and clung to her until her skin stung. She barely felt it. She was remembering a dream she had had once, when she barely knew Maksim, of watching him being killed by his brother while she was trapped in the middle of the sea. "You'll catch a cold. What on earth are you doing?"

Sea foam swirled around her feet like grey portals as she made her way back to the sand slowly. She had been wrong before; the sea, the beach, didn't make her feel normal. There was nothing here that didn't remind her of what had been before. After all, this was the place she had met him. It had been a different part of the beach, one closer to her house, but what difference did it make? His feet had tread across the same sand, and the same salty air had touched his lips, hugged his skin, clung to his clothes. This was the place it had all began, and she was stupid to think she would not think of it all here.

"Remy, are you alright?" Adam's hand found her back, the other grazing her wrist, and she realised that her chest was heaving, her body trying desperately to force air into and out of her lungs. She had thought before that heartbreak could only be felt in an emotional sense, that she could handle it as long as she pushed it down to her gut and ignored it, but she had been wrong. This pain couldn't be ignored, not as long as she still thought of him, still remembered how he had looked that day, with the face of a Greek god and the clothes of somebody who did not belong here.

She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and there were children screaming deafeningly as they ran across the sand, and Adam was standing too close to her so that she had to push his body away with as much force as she could muster, leaving him to frown as he fell backwards but somehow remained on his feet. She hunched over, placing her hands on her knees as she tried again to breathe.

"I can't breathe," she gasped finally, her voice coming out in strangled sobs and half-stolen by the wind. "I can't breathe."

Her name was being said, over and over again, and it was enough to make her dizzy. Her legs gave out, and she collapsed to the wet sand on her knees, clutching her stomach as though it might keep her shattered soul from pouring out of her.

"I can't breathe."