The Rider

His-story

"The heart wants what it wants." - Selena Gomez
••••••••••••••••••••

"Since when did you start smoking?" 

I look up to see a topless Luca with his shirt on his shoulder, making his way towards me. He puts on his shirt and takes a seat beside me. It's cold outside but it's better than sitting inside that shitty house. I throw the cigarette onto the ground and rest my head against the wall.

"You know I've never shown anyone any of my tattoos." Luca says from beside me in a smooth tone that makes the air outside feel a bit warmer.

"Am I suppose to feel special?" I reply in a dry voice as I look at the horizon.

"Yeah I think you should McKenzie."

I wonder how it feels like to drown in your own blood. To die a long painful death from choking on your own blood. That has to be the worst way to die or maybe being raped to death. Being raped is like getting a taste of death, with each minute that goes by its feels like your soul is slowly being shredded to peace. It's like a dark hole is there and you just feel nothing. You feel, broken, helpless and shattered. I know well. I can say I've tasted death, death has looked me in the eye and some days still haunts me.

"What are you thinking about?" I hear him say after a while.

"Have you ever tasted death?" I hear myself ask. My voice sounds lost, I feel lost and only he can find me. I turn to look at him.

And how is it that I'm dead and alive at the same time.

"Yes." He says before lighting his cigarette and letting out a puff of smoke.

I look at him and his eyes meet mine. A storm is brewing in his grey eyes and the harshness of the outline of his jawline is visible.

I know he won't tell me so I don't bother asking. I wish I could know though, understand how this Luca came to be. Who was his first kiss was, has he ever been in love before, does he pray to God everyday to keep him safe and if he listens to music, what's his favourite song. Does he sleep at night knowing he has people's blood on his hands.

"My mother was a satinist but you already know that." He says sighing and drops his head onto the wall.

"She did shit to us that no kid should ever experience. Things that would fuck you up for the rest of your life, make you not sleep at night."

I keep quiet and remain looking at the sky. It's becoming cloudy and so is my soul. Void of emotions is how I'm suppose to be, I'm not suppose to feel whatever the fuck this is. I should leave, I should tell him to fuck off but I don't.. I can't. My body remains still and I find myself closing my eyes.

"We never knew our father growing up but he knew about us. My sister was born and the moment I laid eyes on her I made a promise to myself that I would protect her no matter what but I didn't."

No matter how much I try to ignore his words I can't. I've always wanted know what happened to him as a kid but I never wanted it to feel like this.

"But not even you Mckenzie have experienced that kind of pain. The pain of losing someone you loved."

He remains quiet after that and finishes the rest of his cigarette.

"What happened after that?"

His eyes look far away and close at the same time. He seems to think about my question but the answer never seems to come.

"The bitch killed herself and left me to look after Niko."

His voice has a certain edge to it, a certain emotion to it. Even though his eyes are closed off, his voice is telling me something else.