Of Diamonds and Dreams

Chapter 20

To Michael:

My wish is that you feel the love that's lifted up to you from all your adoring fans all around the world. I raise a glass to you, my true knight in shining armor! You always rescue me. When I get writer's block, it's to you that I look, and you always seem to point me in the right direction. Thank you for the inspiration that you give to me each and every day. Much L.O.V.E! xxSara <3 <3 <3

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"My home is just a serene and tranquil place to relax and enjoy yourself and leave your troubled mind and things that irritate you in your heart, behind. Once you enter the gates, you're just in a very wonderful, quiet, loving place. There are lakes, rolling hills and grass and trees and rides, trains, animals and a movie theater. All the things that I love are there."

-------Michael Jackson (in radio interview with Steve Harvey, 2002)

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I woke up very early the next morning after a fitful night of tossing and turning. I rose from the bed and padded on bare feet to the French doors leading to the balcony outside of our bedroom. Opening them wide, I stepped out and took a deep, cleansing breath of the dewy morning air. It was that time of morning right before the sun broke the horizon, and it was still foggy, but I knew that within a matter of minutes, that silver, misty shroud would begin to dissipate in the warmth of the California sun.

I walked to the railing and waited for those warm rays to kiss the plants, returning their verdant hues and ushering in the new day. A day that seemed to stretch before me as endless as time itself. As wonderful and magical as Neverland was to me, I was so lonely without him there.

How could that be that I missed him so much? That, in only a matter of months since Michael came into my life, suddenly my whole world revolved around him? I never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of your being and wring you out like a wet rag every day. The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of my bones. It was a damp, chill wind trapped in the corners of my heart.

His love nourished me and I needed him. I needed to see his smile, hear his laughter that came bubbling forth when he was amused by something that I said. And his eyes: those sparkling, deep brown eyes that reminded me of the most decadent European chocolate that I had ever tasted. They reflected such warmth and intelligence while at the same time, could so effortlessly charm and seduce. Michael's eyes were my mirror, and in them, I saw my worth. That's why the separation seemed so bearable. Without him, I felt devoid of oxygen....of breath to fill my lungs.

Unbelievably, I felt more tears obscure my vision. I had cried so much the night before that I felt certain that I had no more tears left. But there they were, in all their disconsolate glory. Tired of wiping them away, I let them fall and looked down at my hands resting on the railing. Even they felt the absence of his touch: the way his long fingers, almost elegant for a man, would lace through mine and in that simple gesture was the assurance that he would always be mine. I smiled softly at that thought. Mine. In two weeks, he would be my husband! I couldn't wait to be his wife and to give him the children that he had so longed for.

My hand moved down from the railing to rest protectively over our baby. The child, as if it knew that I was focused on it, did a flip-flop in my womb, creating the sensation of soft butterfly wings taking flight. My smile broadened in secret joy. "Little one, you are so lucky. You are the culmination of two hearts joined together....bonded and destined", I mused softly.

The sun began its ascent, peaking just above the distant mountains and it filled the sky with mighty colors of red and splashed the clouds with endless rays of pink. Its powerful rays flooded over the land lighting every blade of grass and shining from each leaf. The mist was beginning to clear as predicted, revealing the crystalline dew that blanketed everything. I heard birds singing their dawn chorus, and the animals who resided on the property were beginning to stir, waiting for the handlers to bring their breakfast. Life kept on going no matter how much I felt like retreating from it until he returned.