Of Diamonds and Dreams

Chapter 34

"When I am sad, I start reflecting on the good times to make me feel better. I do it sometimes when I get down, and I try not to be angry because I am only hurting myself. I put the most wonderful thought in my head, some wonderful experience, and I feel a chemical reaction taking over in my body where I am actually there and I love that. I start thinking about flying through the air with the wind on my face. I go way up high. I am so happy up there. I think it's one of the most wonderful things I have ever discovered, and I love it. It's the freedom. It's quintessential bliss, I think." -----Michael Jackson

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"NO!" My voice rang out piercingly, shattering what little was left of Michael's thin facade of calm focus.

I struggled to rise from the bed, but my very pregnant belly hindered any hope of accomplishing that goal easily. Michael was there before my shoulders cleared the mattress, pushing me back down gently, but firmly. "Cassandra, I need to call for help. Please, lay down!"

His voice was soft but urgent. Clutching his upper arms in a vice-like grip, I managed to choke out, "No, please! Just hold me!"

He frowned, his immediate instinct to give in to my plea battling with his need to see that I had medical attention. The indecision was clearly etched in the grim set of his mouth and the furrows between his eyes. "Are you in pain? Is it the baby?"

I shook my head earnestly. "No, I don't need a doctor. I just need you! Please!"

Apparently, it finally registered that my collapse was the result of another panic attack because gradually, I saw the tension melt away from him. His expression relaxed somewhat, and he began speaking in a much softer, soothing tone. "Are you sure?"

His eyes searched mine as I nodded. He quickly rose from the bed, walked to the door and spoke to Teresa and Juanita, who had been hovering worriedly outside in the hallway since Michael carried me up the stairs. He closed the door softly, and I heard the click of the lock sliding into place before he strode purposefully to the bathroom. He returned a moment later with a glass of water and set it on the bedside table before propping a couple of pillows against the headboard. He settled himself next to me and helped me hold the glass to my quivering lips. After setting it to the side, he drew me into his protective embrace.

"Better now?" He asked with deep concern in his eyes. I nodded even though my body was still shaking visibly. "I'm here, babygirl. Everything's gonna be alright. You're safe. I won't let anything happen to you, I promise." He crooned softly while rubbing my back and shoulder, lightly stroking his fingers over my skin in a repetitive and soothing manner. "Close your eyes, Princess. Just try to concentrate on my voice, okay?"

I did as he asked, and he began to talk about our honeymoon trip: the beautiful white, sandy beaches, the crystal clear turquoise of the ocean, the gentle breezes that blew through the open doors of our private bungalow as we held each other each night. He described everything with such incredible detail, down to the whisper of the waves lapping gently against the tall, wooden supports that the hut rested upon. Slowly, I began to relax as his voice transported me back to that idyllic memory while he scattered tiny kisses across my forehead and cheek.

After a few minutes, he began to hum a beautiful and vaguely familiar melody that I soon recognized as the song he wrote for me and sang at our wedding. I felt myself drifting.....floating into a mercifully dreamless slumber on the wings of his angelic voice, declaring his love and devotion to me.

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Michael was pacing the floor in the library while talking to Susan on the phone. "I don't know, Doc. She went into the library to choose a book to read, and I went upstairs to rest. I found it hard to relax, so I decided to go to the studio to get some work done. As I passed the library, I heard a loud crash, and when I went inside to check on her, she nearly ran me over in her attempt to get out of the room. I caught her, and she collapsed in my arms. She couldn't even speak to tell me what was wrong! I thought that something was going on with the baby, so I made her lay down while I called for an ambulance, but she refused and only wanted me to hold her. I was so scared!"