Of Diamonds and Dreams

Chapter 35

"My mother knew her polio was not a curse but a test that God gave her to triumph over, and she instilled in me a love of Him that I will always have. She taught me that my talent for singing and dancing was as much God's work as a beautiful sunset or a winter storm that left snow for children to play in." ----Michael Jackson

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"Please Doc, you've got to give me some advice! I just don't know how to go about getting our sex life back on track. We almost made love. Things were going well then.....I began to get all these ugly thoughts about the assault and I just freaked out like a crazy person. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that Michael is going to lose patience with me and at this point, I don't blame him at all." As I spoke, I anxiously twisted the phone cord around my finger so tight that it turned blood red and began to throb before realized what I was doing and released it from the coil.

It was the day after my "freak out" episode and I was no closer to knowing how to handle my feelings and errant thoughts than I had been before.  The whole rest of the previous day, I waited for my chance to talk with my husband about what had occurred between us but after his impromptu shower, Michael had retreated to the recording studio downstairs and stayed there until the wee hours of the morning. I wouldn't have known when he returned to the bedroom but he woke me by accidentally stubbing his toe on something while creeping around in the dark. After a few choice expletives, he apologized for waking me then slipped under the covers, seeming to fall asleep almost immediately. Leaving me to lie there staring at the ceiling, totally unsure of how to fix things.    

I couldn't bring myself to tell Susan the specifics of what I had witnessed Michael doing in the shower or his breakdown afterward. I just didn't feel comfortable sharing all those intimate details with the good doctor...not yet anyway. But that incident had wounded me, shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. The fact that he felt he had to resort to that type of physical outlet because of my current issues made me feel so guilty and every time I thought of it, my heart just broke even more.

Dr. Susan responded calmly, "Cassandra, you have to give yourself time to heal inwardly....to trust again. Michael is fully aware of these things, and he seems just as determined as you to go slowly. Have you been doing the exercises that I gave you?"

I assured her that I had indeed been writing my thoughts in a journal and doing my meditation exercises faithfully...something that she insisted would be beneficial and in truth, they did seem to give me some clarity and relax me when I felt over-anxious. We talked for a while further before she gave me the very welcome news that she would be arriving at the ranch the next day. She was to be staying as a guest with us until the work on her new home/office in Los Olivos was completed. After we had hung up, I decided to go outside and get some fresh air. Maybe a walk in the garden would help to clear my head.

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Two weeks had passed since our return to the ranch, and although we were there to rest and recuperate, it had turned out to be very busy instead. Dr. Susan had flown in and Michael's new employee, Matt Hammerstein had also arrived a couple of days after her, making "alone time" a little more of a challenge for Michael and me. Matt was so nice and unfailingly polite, but when I saw him, I couldn't help but remember THAT day. I found it quite difficult to look him in the eye. I hoped that in time I would be able to move past it and warm up to him because apparently, he was going to be around quite bit. 

I had to admit, the presence of Dr. Susan had been invaluable to me, and I knew that the upcoming weeks ahead would be even more of a challenge for Michael and I because he was set to resume the tour in a few days. He was only going to do shows in a few cities and wouldn't be gone very long but still, I dreaded it so much. I couldn't stand the thought of not being without him for a few weeks, but the health of our baby had to take priority. So having Susan there to talk to would definitely be a plus.