Dad, NO! (Draco Malfoy x Reader) COMPLETED!

:/ & Hiatus

Skip this if you'd like or you just don't care. It's kinda sad but I think you guys deserve to know what's been going on.

Enjoy.

Hey guys. Um.. I'm sorry, again. I'm sorry for many things, like one being me not posting enough. I feel like with more people reading this book, I feel like I'm obligated to keep going. I feel like I constantly need to update, even if I'm not in the mood. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough..

Let me explain how I feel.

Nobody wants me. I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm not funny, got no personality, and I'm not pretty. So what the fuck am I good for? What's stopping me from just killing myself. No one would notice. No one would care. I don't deserve to live. Other people have done such great things and been such great people and have helped others, but I've done nothing. I'm nothing. I just have these thoughts and it's so hard to fight them. I just sit and my room and cry because I don't feel worthy of anything, so I tell people my thoughts. Try to get them out of my head.. but that's my first mistake.

I can't think of the words to describe how I'm feeling.. it's so.. painful. My chest feels tight and it burns. My heart feels like it's thumping at the speed of light but also, it feels like it's not beating at all.

I feel tired. I feel cold. I feel so damn exhausted of feeling this way, but I don't wanna feel any other way. It's like I'm trapped and free at the same time. It hurts. A lot. I feel like every emotion is there and running around chaotically in my body, screaming bloody murder at me, but then I feel emotionless at the same time.

It feels like.. I wanna die. My thoughts are screaming at me, saying "ELISE NOBODY NEEDS YOU. NOBODY WANTS YOU. JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY. ALL THESE SCARS, YOU DESERVE THEM. ALL THESE TEARS, YOU DESERVE THEM. ALL THIS PAIN, YOU DESERVE IT. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? YOURE NOTHING SPECIAL. ONLY GOOD AND SPECIAL PEOPLE GET TO FEEL HAPPY." ...And that's on repeat. Over and over in my head until I start saying out loud to myself. It starts out as a whisper, then it turns into me screaming and pulling my hair.

I'm just.. broken, it seems. And I keep making these excuses like "Oh Elise, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. You're acting so weak, do it for the fans! They're counting on you, just pull yourself together and act.. happy.
Act like you're okay. Act like everything okay and write another chapter, and everything will be dandy."

But it's not. It's not all sunshines and rainbows. It's actually darkness and rain. Rain that's up to my head and darkness that's pitch black with no intentions of letting me escape. I'm alone in my own world, drowning.

My friends and family don't understand. My dad thinks I'm just staying inside too much and that I need exercise. My mom thinks it's just because I'm a teenager.
My friends, on the other hand, have more of an understanding, but not quite. They say "oh Elise, you're just feeling sorry for yourself." Or "it's okay, you'll get through it. It's all fine. You're fine." And "you're just being over dramatic and an attention whore."

They think that they're helping. They think I'm better after their long speeches of "it's all okay."

But I'm not. I send a reply text that always says the same thing.
"Yes, I feel better. Thank you! I'm sorry for worrying you. Thanks for being such a good friend."

But I'm lying. To myself, and my friends. I'm lying to the whole world. Always updating saying things like "Thanks so much for the new readers and blah..blah..blah.."

But the words are muffled now. They sound like I'm underwater, feel like I'm underwater. I am underwater. I'm underwater in a sea of denial and guilt. Depression and anxiety. Lost hope.

I don't want to seem like I'm being sorry for myself, over dramatic, or wanting attention. I'm simply being honest with you guys because you deserve the truth. You guys deserve to know why I've been making empty promises and not-so-good stories.

And that's the truth.

Thanks so much for reading, and I'll see you guys in the next chapter.

Elise.