My Self-Harm Story

Hello, today I have decided it was time for me to tell you my story. It's a big step for me to actually write about this. And honestly I would not be able to do this without the people who supported me and told me things to try to keep me here. Thank you for saving my life, I wish I could see you in person and thank you for being by my side when I was at my low. But this is my story...

(P.s sorry if it sounds weird, I tried my best not to mess up this is something very sensitive to write about and I was also crying because it bring back some very awful memories)

_____________

Hello everyone,
       My name is Daniela and I've been fighting this thing called self harm for a really long time know. Most people tell me why don't you just stop?
It's not easy trust me, I can't, as much as I really want to. I can't. It's not that I don't want to it's just cutting for me is my only escape from what I'm facing today.
So many of my friends see me as a strong outgoing person but in reality I'm not actually. I'm so lost, so out of this world that I feel like I don't belong here. 

    It all started when I was a little girl. I was about 10 yrs old (or around that age) when I first cut myself. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in my garage and I got this pocket knife and cut my knee, it felt good like something was letting me breath now, ever since then I stated cutting and it was like my new best friend. I never knew why I liked it so much.

    None of my friends ever understood  me. Ever since I was a little girl  I was bullied, put down, called names. Kids told me I was not worth it and I believed them... even worse some of them were one of my close friends who called me names and put me down, and I believed it all. Today I still believe it, I know it's stupid of me but I can't for as much as I try, to forget it and say I'm not all those things but I'm just stuck in this whole that I can't get out.

    There was a year were I was 1 year clean, record of me. My best friend and my "brother" helped me out a lot. He made me think that things will all get better and that I will smile again like when I was little. I was so close on thinking that would become true but unfortunately on January 15, I got a text message from his brother and he told me that he had died in a car accident. . . . I mean I don't know ..  I really hit low, I could not believe it , I cried and cried so much. I felt this empty feeling in me. Like something was now missing, or taken away from me. I felt dead from the inside & outside. I was now alone and that scared me. All I wanted was to just to die. I just could not stand not having my brother by my side no more.

       Everyone at school told me how sorry they felt for me, that they would support me and that it was all going to be okay. But it wasn't, I wasn't okay. I cut myself for about a good 2 weeks straight, I didn't give a shit about anything or anyone, and all I could think about was getting this pain off my heart with other kind of pain. By the end of the day I had so many cuts in my hand and a few in my stomach and lower half of my body. I just wanted someone to hug me and just be by my side but I had nobody. My family was not supportive, my friends didn't understand me.

     But then found people who were going through situations just like I was,  and for the first time I didn't feel alone, I felt like I connected with these people. Since then I tried my best not to cut and by the support of people im trying to get through this. I want to stop cutting for good now, I want to know how it feels to live, to be happy and return that once hope i had before this nightmare.

     The purpose of this is to try to reach out to people who are in my same position and let them know they are not alone. I am fighting with you. We could do this together, you don't have to go through this alone. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! And I will ALWAYS be here to talk to anyone and try my best advice and to make you smile and hopefully laugh. I will try my best to make you forget all the bad shit that is going on.

You're not alone.

Don't give up, fight with me, and let's beat this thing called self harm together.