My Self-Harm Story

Emotions

    Man my life keeps getting harder n harder ... 

          What's the point of living if life keeps throwing me down n down. Sometimes you can't get up, sometimes you can see that you must put up the white flag and just give up. I'm so sorry if this puts everyone down and I know it goes against my sayings but ... i'm so broken..

      Yes I still cut, I haven't for a month n a half but trust me it's urging me and long over due for a cut.. so much has happened in these past year.. i'm still surprised that i'm alive. 

                        Let me explain and let you judge on what should I do... 

    When I was in college my first year, it was hard because I was away from my sister and my ex boyfriend.. my ex and I had decided to take a break from each other because long distance was doing it's toll on me. I had met a coworker that my other coworkers had worn me to stay away because he wasn't a good guy but when I had met hm, he seemed nice.. he helped me when I was down. God why didn't I listen... he sexually abused me..  i'm such an idiot. More of an idiot because it happened for a good week, I was numb. I was heartbroken for my ex that I let all fight in me disappear and he took full advantage of it..

   I remember I would call me ex and cry and cry about how I missed him, how I needed him to be here for me, that I needed his protection, how I needed him to save me. But him not knowing that every time I would call him late nights could be when he would be done with me... I would go back to my dorm and shower, scrub, n scrub till I would burn off my skin. Till I felt somewhat clean... I really wanted to die. Till after a week it was over, he never called or texted. I was in peace, but the damage had already been done. 

   What my ex didn't and would never be able to understand is that he fucked me up, what I never told you and what you will know now is that. He knew of you, who you were, and he would tell me that when he was done with me.. that I will never be the same with you. He was right. I fucken hate him for being right because now you my ex... He promised he would fuck with me mentally to where i'd question every mans action towards me, that wherever I was with you, he'd me there, not physically but mentally and he is. Always in the farthest corner of my brain he's there, torturing me, reminding me that I will never be good enough, that I deserve to be alone.  

     I deserve to be alone, I will never be good enough for myself or anyone. Nobody ever stays, they all leave because I drive them away or I make another mistake. You know how much it hurts loving someone who is so right for you that you have to get rid of it quick before you turn them in like you? It's so painful.. i'd prefer to be dead than feel the pain of disappointment you give me, the hopelessness I see in your eyes, the sadness, the depression. 

   You know what sucks the most? That you know how to be happy. You know what to do, the next steps to having a good life but you decide against it. 

                                                                            Why?

  Because every little ounce of good you've had in your life disappears or dies. The pain that comes next after you've had the taste of happiness is what stings the most, the almost getting it feeling sucks so bad, because you think  

                   "At least I have my brother" then he dies

                      "Here might be a new friend" he takes advantage of you..

                       "Ok maybe this time here comes a new friend" backstabs you and leaves you

                        "Here comes love" only wants you for sex

                        " At least I still have my mother" she dies too

                         "Believes having a best friend/sister" ends up being toxic

Now when I find the love of my life, my soulmate I ruin in because i'm terrified that he'll die, or that he'll betray me. I ruin it and now I have to try to live my life without me... 

                            i'd prefer for someone to rip my heart out than feel this empty numbness in my heart. But i get to watch from far far away you become happy.. hopefully finding better less complicated love from someone else. It hurts so bad but hopefully just hopefully i'll make it and it will all be better for you. 

     I only want what's best for you.

                                                                          Forgive me on day..