Hate You ; Ethan Dolan [#2]

1.- A New Me.

We reached 1,3K followers! here's the chapter that i promised i'd upload. ❤️

Chapter 1: A New Me

Emma...

I grabbed the brush and started mixing the white dust with the white cream, slowly creating a purple residue in that small bowl in my left hand. A small bit fell on my arm, and it stung, but I ignored the small pain and kept on mixing until I finally got that lavender color.

I then sat the bowl down on the counter and took the long scissors near it, picking it up near my hair. I wrapped my fingers around the two holes.

New life... New hair.

That's what they said, once a girl changes her hair after a breakup there's no going back. Which was why I was trying to dye my hair white, that way I didn't look like the old Emma. The one that still had some nice memories left, now my mind was empty and so was my body.

I was so desperate to feel some sort of feeling in my life now that wasn't anger or emptiness. I wanted to change, I seriously wanted to. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life so empty, I didn't want to hear people tell me to 'just be happy'.

Just do it, you can do it, it's not that hard. Just take the brush and...

But I couldn't, I couldn't bring that brush up to my scalp. I couldn't handle that small stinging pain for thirty minutes, and I couldn't cut my long hair off because it reminded me too much of Ethan. I couldn't do it. I threw the bowl away, 30$ wasted.

I hated myself. I really did. My mind kept contradicting itself. I wanted to change, but at the same time, I couldn't. It was so stupid.

My phone started vibrating, it was an alarm going off reminding me it was time to take my pills for anorexia and anemia. It got so bad that I now needed to take medication so I didn't lose my life, which sometimes I thought, wasn't a bad idea.

But my family and Ethan wouldn't have wanted that for me, so I kept taking them. Of course, slowly my body was getting better, but my mind... My mind was a complete mess, my heart felt empty all day. I had this routine, I woke up, watched TV, and then sometimes I'd read some books outside in the yard. Then at night I wrote inside my diary.

I had met one person though, the girl next door. I couldn't remember her name, but she had black hair with plenty tattoos on her arms. I thought she was pretty cool, but I wasn't in the mood to make friends.

I felt like I was meant to be alone. I felt like if I ever made friends again, I would just be an inconvenience, they would have me around for pity. And I didn't want friends if that was gonna be the case.

However, that day, things felt different. I had a bit less anxiety and sadness in me, the day was different from my usual routine. I was feeling a bit prouder because I had tried to change. But of course, a memory came by through my mind.

Lauren, one of Ethan's friends, who texted me. Angry about his death, angry about my behaviour towards him. Guilt filled my heart up.

Lauren: how could you do that to ethan?

Lauren: i actually trusted you.

Me: I'm sorry.

Lauren: Ethan never even cheated on you.

Lauren: Meredith got on him and kissed him.

I shut off my phone and threw myself onto the sofa, my heart pounding and tears stinging my eyes, I still couldn't forgive myself. It was so messed up that I probably felt worse and more guilty than the guy who stabbed him.