Seasons

Chapter 4

After school I went home immediately, I didn’t waste any time getting there either. I wanted to go home that second Jennie went back to her desk but I knew I couldn’t do that, I had to sit there all day with people pointing and whispering about me. I didn’t even see the boy after that class, and to make it worse was that after everything was said and done he acted like nothing had happened and I felt overwhelmed with awkwardness the entire rest of the day.

I missed my bed. I literally came home and laid down, I needed a rest after what happened. Someone stood up for me,  else fought back for me. That was the first time since elementary school that someone was actually on my side, that was the first time in a long time that someone was kind to me. I feel happy yet, I feel scared at the same time. What if when I go back to school tomorrow Jennie kills me!? I feel like if she really wanted to she could and I know she will. I will return tomorrow only to have a death wish. I am walking on my death bed.

This all could have been avoided if I kept my mouth shut and told the boy to be quiet. I could have responded to her and took the beating right there instead of bringing in other people and feeling engulfed in regret and guilt. What if she starts picking on him? What if she starts spreading rumors about him, it would be my fault. Why couldn’t he just let me deal with my own problems?

But, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he noticed me. Why out of all people did he have to talk to me? Now I’m an even bigger target than I was before. Wait, why am I blaming this on him, why am I even thinking about him? I couldn’t get him to talk to me even if I really wanted to. He has everything going for him, good friends, popularity, I’m sure he even has a cute girlfriend. I crossed my arms and rolled over onto my side and exhaled heavily. What am I? I am a coward who can’t even stand up to a single bully! If I just did something one time maybe people wouldn’t think so lowly of me, I might have a chance.

I can see it now, having normal conversations with my friends about my weekend. Or maybe even getting out there and talking to boys. I cringed. No, I’m not worth anything to the boys in my school. I’d like friends, I’d like to have someone to talk to, but I have no one. I wish I was over exaggerating. Between school and home the only thing I can talk to are my walls, and they don’t even listen.

Being the only child sucks, especially when you have no mother and live with your alcoholic dad. I always get home before he does so I have a good 5 hours to myself out of school. Every night it’s always the same, drinking, punching, and screaming. The police have been called to my house several times but they never really do anything about it. It’s probably because I’m scared and say it was a misunderstanding and everything is okay. Why am I like that? Why can’t I stick up for myself? I really want to, I know I can but I don’t have the confidence or motivation to do anything positive for myself. I always look at the negatives because I, myself am a negative.

…….

My phone started buzzing signaling my alarm. I roll over and turn it off, that means my dad will be here in 30 minutes. I stretch and crack my bones until I wake up from my nap. I’m always exhausted, tired, in pain, both physically and mentally. But, I power through it. Every day I try to bottle up my feelings and push them to the back of my head so I don’t worry about them until I get home. I want to at least seem presentable at school.

“April!” A male voice yelled from the other side of the door. The voice was groggy and slurred, it’s my dad. Is he already here? When did he get off? I sigh, now that means I get to deal with it now. I slowly stand up and walk over to the door and open it. “Why isn’t this house cleaned?” He screamed throwing the beer bottle he held in his hand to the floor. It shattered and the drink spilled everywhere onto the floor. “Why are you locking your door!? No doors locked in my house!”

The stench of beer lingered in the air around him, it was so strong that I wanted to barf. “I’m sorry, I was just napping, it won’t happen again.” I apologized keeping my head down. I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, that would earn a slapped to my cheek for disrespecting him. I was looked down upon, to him I was just a girl. I am just a girl who should have no right for power, to vote, or even a right to speak my mind. In his eyes, a girl is only good for three things: sex, food, and cleaning.

“Damn right!” He growled grabbing me by my collar. “If it ever does happen again I’ll beat you senseless stupid girl!” Once he was done with his rant he threw me to the ground. “Get up and make me dinner, I’m tired and hungry, make yourself useful for once.” My dad stomped off into the living room leaving me on the floor.

My chest tightened, don’t cry, he will think I’m weak and then I’ll get beat for that. I pick myself up off the floor and glare into the living room. How could someone be so cruel? So inconsiderate? So, so, disgusting. I disliked my father but he was the one keeping me out of the streets and a roof over my head. He pays for the little food we have but at least I’m not dead yet. I inhaled before exhaling and making my way to the kitchen. I better start cooking, the sooner I’m done, the sooner I can go back to my room.