99 skinny (rewritten) // adopted by 5sos

twenty eight // 114 lbs

Mornings were terrible for me.

Just having to wake up and be brought back into reality – being brought back into my struggles – was like a hard slap to the face every single day. I usually wished to stay asleep to therefore avoid the deep sadness that settled deep in my heart the second my eyes reopened.

Except, sleeping wasn't much better. There had been an odd period of time where nightmares had seemed to almost disappear, but lately they had started to come back. Before, I had dreams about my parents and their hatred for me, but ever since that one night I had a nightmare involving the boys, they've been returning more frequently.

Last night I had a nightmare involving Ashton and possibly Evie, but I couldn't remember anything about it. By the way my covers were tossed and twisted about I knew the nightmare had really shaken me up, though.

One of the hardest parts about mornings though, was remembering everything. My secrets.

When I woke up, it would take a few minutes for reality to settle in, and I'd then remember that I had forced myself to throw up my dinner last night, and forced myself to skip breakfast, and forced myself to only eat a single bite of a granola bar that afternoon for lunch. This realization would struck when I stood up the morning after fasting for days at a time, while the room spun and parts of my vision went dark. Other times I'd realize this when I looked into the mirror and felt sick at what I saw.

I hated these moments of remembrance.

Rolling over, I decided that it would be best for me to get up and at least start to do a some exercises to help calm the overwhelming self-hatred whirling around deep inside me. T Carelessly throwing my legs over the side, I pushed myself up into a standing position. Immediately, my legs shook and gave out, my arms grabbing onto my nightstand for support, followed by a wave of nausea washing over me. I wasn't going to let this stop me, and after taking a few seconds to recover I forced myself to get back up.

My entire body felt weak and heavy yet like jello at the same time. Like my ankles and arms were being pulled down by heavy weights, but at any moment i'd melt into a jello-puddle on the floor – and not because of the weights.

***

"We should go to the beach," Michael suddenly broke the silence at the table that morning.

Everyone looked up from their preferred choice of breakfast foods, whether it was toast, eggs or pancakes – except for me of course. I had just settled on drinking tea.

"You? The beach?" Ashton asked in mock confusion.

"Yeah?" Michael muttered in confusion, voice small.

"Michael you're the type to stay inside, or stay under a tent if we go out –" Calum chuckled humorously.

"I know, but we haven't been to the beach here in ages," Michael interrupted, eyes wide as he persisted with his idea. "Can we please go?"

"I don't know, it's up to Evie. What do you want to do?" Ashton turned to the pretty blonde girl beside him, his eyes literally forming hearts as he looked at her.

Calum made a noise that was somewhere between a groan and a snort, eyes widening in realization once he did it. He quickly played it off as a cough, raising his glass of water to his lips and hurriedly downing half of it. Michael caught on, turning his head away as he let a few giggles out.