Broken Nights

Goals in life~ : 14/8/2017

Everyone has something in their lives

an objective they are trying to reach with each step they take

Something they want

Something they're good at

That one thing that makes them special

something that may be stupid to everyone else ,

yet it is what they keep the closest to their hearts

Something that makes them happier

a desire in their lives,

Something they want to fight for

That trait that distinguishes them from the rest and makes them unique

Something they are willing to be hurt for

They can endure pain if it gets them closer to their goal,

their selfish objective

The one thing they would kill for. . .

That one thing that brings them a smile no matter how undesirable their lives feel

yet . . . i have nothing

i am empty

i have lived for others for so long that i've forgotten who i am

i am no one

i don't have a personality

i've lost it in , i've buried it deep inside me

i don't have a wish

i don't have an objective

i don't have emotions

i don't want anything

i don't want anyone

i don't have a reason to smile

i don't have a reason to endure pain

i am nothing but a machine that lives because he breathes

i am surviving , i'm not living

it's curious , they don't mean the same thing

I've always wanted something though

i used to have a selfish wish that i was willing to die for. . .

i wanted to be loved and love someone

yet , that wish did nothing but destroy me from the inside , it brought me nothing more than rejection , pain , lost of interest, apathy , a broken heart

and a strange desire if you want to , it brought me hate and sorrow

emotions that i didn't know ,

my life lost colour

it turned black and white

my eyes are dead

i can't see the beauty in life

i used to lie to myself "the next year will be better" i used to get excited for the people i'd meet,

yet i don't want to lie to myself anymore , people have left me

they've betrayed me

i don't want to meet anyone else , for i know how that will end

i want to avoid more pain ,

i want to avoid rejection

i am cold

cause i am certain of this . . .

i don't think i can take it anymore

i'd rather be alone than feel pain for being with someone

I have an unbearable burden that i carry

Pain that has never left me

Scars that i've never shown to anyone else before.

My body is covered in bruises and open wounds

My thoughts consist of time i can never get back to,

Times in which i was happy and i didn't even know it

a time that feels like a lifetime ago ,

in which i still had emotions,

A completely different me ,

one that was positive and full of life

i used to laugh and cry,

my kindness , even though it was the death of me , it has never left me

kind people always end up losing,

they are used and abused,

forgotten and pushed to the side.

I want someone to realize how i truly feel ,

i want someone to see behind this lie i've created

this fake me that hides everything so no one has to worry

i want someone to see that , and . . . and . . . help me