Rant/Random

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I needed to make this.

To everyone on Discord- I am not even gonna tag a single one of you, because I know you all will find this one way or another-

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'M SORRY.

Yet all of those apologizes will never make up what I did.

What me, the asshole, did.

I know what I did was wrong.

And yet I couldn't see the fucking signs that said "HEY ASSHOLE, THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG, GO BACK AND FIX YOURSELF".

And now I am paying all of the consequences.

The random fights.

The voting of not getting me back in the server.

The constant voices in my head about this.

Because I-

......half of my day almost is thinking about this.

And I know one friend will be tsking there head off that I'm not doing what he said.

Well guess what bud.

I'M TRYING!

BUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EASILY SHRUG OFF, AND FIX YOURSELF.

Because this was on a close friend of mine.

That I will probably never GET BACK!

I'm a slut.
I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm rude.
I'm not a good partner.
I'm not a good friend.
They will never come back.
Everyone hates you.
Everyone wants you to get out of their faces.
Because you are always the one trying to start a conversation.
These are the constant thoughts in my head.

I think it's funny that my counselor said that I always have a ton on my plate yet I apparently always take it like a champ.

IS THIS TAKING IT LIKE A CHAMP?!

A friend of mine asked me in PE if I was trying to loose weight. I never realized I was loosing weight. Turns out its because I've been eating less and exercising more.

Yet not all of my thoughts are mean. Because my experience of being depressed with them brings up these thoughts automatically-
You aren't any of these!
They care for you!
They are your friends!
They want to see you happy!

And then it goes back full circle.
Yes, but they are their friends too...
Don't you remember that one guys reaction?
Dad doesn't seem to like to talk to you anymore.
Nor Mom.
Or my aunts.
That one uncle hated you being depressed.
They don't care.
THEY DON'T CARE!

And before I knew it I'm back at square one!
But harsher!
Meaner!
Closer to the truth!

And then I'm back at the nice comments.
But they stayed the same.

This goes full circle, the depressing ones getting worse, yet the nice ones always getting noticed.

'Maybe I should delete Discord...'
'You baby! You think they would think this is an act of bravery?! NO!'
'But... I haven't had very good experiences on there...'
'THAT. DOESN'T. MATTER. HOW YOU FEEL DOESN'T MATTER.'
'Okay..'

And I'm back at square one.

A real life friend of mine tried to get me do a lot of things. To believe a lot of things, I should say.

'Ask out your crush. You have a chance!'

Yet they told me not to. Reminded me how obvious I wanted love. How this made me clingy.

And I believed every word.

Cause I do that. I'm soft hearted. A good friend of mine has never been able to not get me to crack at one point or another.

I can't hide my feelings.

I'm scared to feel feelings.

This goes against what I said, but its true.

My condition makes me HATE reacting to something.

Because I will probably react wrong.

And I'll be back to the same asshole I am.

I don't want anyone apologizing in the comments. Thinking they were the cause of this.

You aren't.

You might have added fuel to the fire, but at the end of the day, it's my fault.

After all, I am the asshole who started this. It's my job to finish it. And however I end up is my fault.