Rant/Random

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Let's gooo

So I've been doing things recently that I guess would make me more.... cringey, I dare say?

Like, I have a Tumblr.

That already made me cringey.

But this is just weird or something, and it happened with a what most would say a cringey game.

Just keep your mind open, okay?

So back in the day of 2015-2016 I liked Minecraft.

Annnd there goes any seriousness I had.

Let's just write this quickly before I cry.

About in October or so of last year I uninstalled Minecraft from my phone because 1- An experience I had with downloading a map which I can explain later if I need to, and 2- I barely played anymore cause I had a ton going on and it took up a ton of my space.

Once in a while I would download it again, but only for a couple days before deleting it.

Today, I was bored.

So I redownloaded it!

And holy hell is it different.

I'm not gonna explain what changed, if you are that curious you can just ask me or look it up, but yeah. It made me feel like a noob.

I decided when I had downloaded it again today that I wasn't gonna reload all my world's for a couple reasons-
1- I had like 70 worlds last time I checked
2- I knew some things have changed since I last was on, and so I decided for it to be that way

I made my username to CallMeOli, put on the pink boy pastel skin, and started exploring and building.

I probably played for a good hour straight/gay before I had to get off- I was not only bored but I needed to do chores.

That was about a couple hours ago. I got bored of what I was doing, and decided to keep playing that world I was working on. I was really proud of myself, after all.

And what I saw when I got back in made my heart sink.

For one, the player thing on the side didn't have the pastel pink boy, but a skin I had downloaded of Tracer. My name was also Speedy_Tracer19 instead of CallMeOli, and the people who know me know where that was from.

Shakly, I hit play, and I almost start bawling.

I had only made 2 games those couple hours before- one was a creative, where I had tested out all the new cool features, got my settings back how I liked them, etc. The other was a peaceful survival, to play as normal.

Those 2 games were gone.

Was what left, you ask?

About 70 games that I never remember playing.

Now to most people, this wouldn't seem like a big deal as I was making. It is just a game.

But most of y'all know me.

And I made a connection.

And that's what made me start crying.

Tbh, the world I was proud of I can easily make it again. It isn't that hard.

It was just the symbolism that got me.

Like I have said, I have changed since the last time I played.

Last time I downloaded Minecraft?

That was early July, for 3 days, cause it was summer and I was bored.

Then, I was a lesbian who was recovering from a relationship with the first girl I ever dated, and was dark quite a bit.

And now?

Well, I'm still dark at times. But when I'm not, I'm happy and confident with myself and what I am: a non binary lesbian. Back then, I was down almost 24/7. Now only 2 things get me down- the past, and when people only see me as my sex, female, and not want I feel like, non binary. You might be surprised of the amount of identity jokes I get and the amount of weird questions from this one dude in my science class.
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Y'know what?

It's the next day. I stopped writing this cause I thought it wouldn't be worth it.

But let's continue.

As I've said above, I have changed.

And when it went back, what flashed in my mind was the connection of that people would never see me for the me I am, always the old me. No matter what I did.

And that hurt.

It was like they wouldn't take me seriously. Wouldn't take my gender, my sexuality, my thoughts, my actions, and my words- seriously.

That I must always be joking around or lying.

And that fucking hurt like a bitch.

I know I'll be fine. I know I'll get over this. But this stupid little thing I know will stay with me for a bit. So until then, I'm not 100% fine. But I will be one day.

So that's the story of how I cried over a video game with no lore that can make you cry.

And we are at almost 800 words. That's sad.

Anyways, see ya. :D