Adam Gontier Imagines

Put Yourself First

I still kinda hate myself whoops. // first person again.

"I wish I didn't love her. I wish I weren't the way I am. I wish I would stop being so stupid," I blurt out, and he sighs.
"Just let it all out."
"I just...I wish I were someone else."
"But you're amazing."
"No, I'm not. I wish I were straight," I say before I can stop myself.
"That's not up to you, though, is it?"
"It's not, but I can still wish it were true," I reply.
"Would it make things easier?" he asks.
"Yes. Yes it would," I respond, and he looks into my eyes. I always feel like he's looking through my eyes into my soul. Like he's reading me like an open book.
"But you can't change who you are," he says after a moment.
"I know I can't. But that doesn't stop me from hating it." I look down at my hands in my lap.
I feel so helpless. It's like my emotions are beyond me and out of reach. They affect me, but I can't control them.
"You can always see things objectively," he begins, and I look to him again. He lets out a breath. "Why can't you do that right now?"
"I..." I trail off, unsure of how to respond. "I don't know," I finally say. It's the truth. I don't know what's going on with me. I know I'm being irrational. I tell everyone it'll be okay while I take their shit, but I don't take care of myself.
"You need to put yourself first sometimes," he sighs, putting his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shirt. He makes me feel safe like no one else can.
"I'm always doing that with you," I say meekly. "I'm not being very fair to you."
"Don't you remember all the times you comforted me when I was feeling like shit?"
"But I'm always unloading everything on you," I respond, and he sighs.
"No you're not. We have a mutually beneficial relationship."
"Now you're getting all technical on me," I laugh lightly, and he chuckles.
"Of course," he responds.
"I'm so lucky to have you."
"As I am to have you," he says, rubbing my back gently.

Sometimes, life can be a bitch. But honestly, it's not that bad. You just can't see things for what they are sometimes.

A/N
this was kinda blah but I just wanted to vent basically.