Stuck » h.s. (UNDER EDITING)

thirteen

HARRY'S POV:

I lie next to her, waiting for my breathing to slow down. That was so phenomenal I think I might just have to experience that feeling of being on top of the world again. Ever since Dad left and Mum died, I've just been numb. Emma is the first person that has reignited that passion, but I push everyone away and I don't want anyone to ge too close. Everyone I "love" leaves me and that's why I don't believe in the damned thing. My biggest fear is "loving" someone again and then having them turn around a leave me.

Emma doesn't like me. I've been nothing but a dick head to her. She never really wants me around. I'm pretty sure I make her miserable, but her little attitude and her laugh make me happy. Do you know how long it's been since I've felt something? Anything at all? Seeing someone like Emma, just so full of life, reminds me that people still live. The whole world may be shit, but there's still some pretty unshitty people in the world. You have beautiful, perfect, amazing people such as Emma. She doesn't deserve to have her life wrecked by me. I'm using her selfishly and greedily when I know she doesn't really want to get to know me.

I have to block out these emotions. I'm here to make her fall in love with me and that's it. I can't drag her into my f.ucked up life. I'll just make her fall in love with a Harry that doesn't exist. One that can never exist again.

I sit up abruptly. I have to get out of here. I pull my boots on quickly and then grab my cut up shirt that I use as a headband and stuff it in my pocket. Emma took it off while she was running her fingers through my hair like a mad woman. Those moments where I could be connected to her, in some way, made me feel like I was in heaven and that's not okay. I can't like her, I barely know her.

Yes, I'm aware that I know her enough to have a crush on her, but I don't have crushes. I have one night stands and leave before the girl even wakes up the next morning.

Emma looks at me with a sort of quizzical look on her face. I want smooth out the crease between her eyebrows with my lips, but I can't.

"Where are you going?" she asks, sitting up.

"I- uh. I have somewhere to be," I lie, walking to her bedroom door.

"We were going to watch a movie though. I'm sorry if I freaked you out. It was an erratic move of pure adrenaline and I don't know why I did it. You don't have to leave," she says and clutches her arms over her chest, pretty much hugging herself.

"Yeah, Emma, I do have to leave. I shouldn't have kissed you. Not yet. I only kissed you because of that dare and you just now practically threw yourself at me," I say and grip her door handle.

She grimaces and her eyes look glassy.

Great job, Harry.

"I said I was sorry. I didn't mean to 'throw myself at you.' Guess I'm just a whore to you too," she looks away.

"Emma..."

"Just leave, Harry."

"But-"

"JUST LEAVE!" she screams.

I'm startled by her outburst and it seems she is too.

"Please," she adds at a whisper.

I nod and exit her room, pacing down the hallway and out her door. I push into my apartment in a rage.

Why do I f.uck up everything? Why do I destroy everything I touch? What I just did to Emma was selfish. I'm scared of myself and the way I get when I'm around her. I feel like I want to let her know me and that can't happen. It just can't. If she wants to spill her sob stories and happy stories to me, then that's perfectly fine. But I won't be opening up to her, letting her in just so she can see that I'm not worthy of anybody's love or affection. She'll be so disgusted by me and my terrible past that she'll leave me. She might even move out of her apartment just to get rid of a disease like me.