||him||
my breath hitched in my throat as soon as the greeting was uttered. carolyn summers was watching me smoke alone, leaning on a fence feeling sorry for myself.
"oh. hey," I respond as best I can, her presence is overpowering all of my rationality. the light buzz in my head from the cigarette has lost all it's pleasantry and now has me feeling slow and stupid.
"I didn't know you smoked," her expression is almost unreadable, except for the slight raise of her eyebrows showing her surprise.
"it's a bad habit," suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the urge to tell her everything. well, not everything since I am determined to die with my love for her a secret, but everything about who I was. about kirk. about tracy. it doesn't make sense since the girl you like isn't your typical confidante, especially when it comes too something as personal as your past life but the words want to come out.
"adam smokes," she replies, unaware of the kick in the gut she just delivered by reminding me of her boyfriend.
"where is adam?" I ask casually, eager to keep the conversation going, even if it means talking about something painful.
she does something unexpected and sits down next to me, then leans her head against the fence so her eyes are looking up at the stars.
"he's inside," she says, her words have a sadness to them that surprises me, carolyn has always seemed happy to me. not a hyperactive, always on the move kind of happy but just content with who she was and who she was with, so it's unsettling to see her show a sentiment that contradicts my image of her.
it's just as I feared, I know nothing about her.
"when I first met adam he was a dream. he was a funny, nice, smart and attractive guy who was pursuing me. I was ecstatic when we started dating a few months ago, he seemed so perfect but now that we actually know each other things have changed," her gaze never waivers from the sky.
"what do you mean?" I ask, my body is tense against the wooden fence, my only movement is too occasionally raise my cigarette to my lips.
"we're so different, we only connect on the surface. it's a shallow love, but it's still monumental for me. he's my first boyfriend, he was my first kiss and my first for everything else. which is sad because now I feel that our love has to be special, even if we're barely compatible."
"all love is special," I say after a long pause, "I mean, you can make yourself believe it is."
"then I guess my problem is I don't believe adam and I are special," she looks at me then looks at her shoes then back at me with a small smile, "I really am dumping a lot on you right now, I'm sorry I guess I'm just a bit tipsy."
"no it's okay, I was pretty lonely anyway," I say.
she laughs, "I could tell."
her laugh is infectious and I chuckle appreciatively, while mentally high-fiving myself for forming enough of a relationship with her to feel comfortable enough for her to make a joke at my own expense.
"oh shit," her laughter ends abruptly.
"what?" I look at her in surprise.
"I forgot to do my physics homework," she crinkles her eyebrows, "I'm so fucked."
"just go to your dorm and do it now," I suggest even though the thought of her leaving is substantially painful.
"I know but I don't understand it at all," she explains, "I'm practically failing."
"I could help you," I manage to say even though my tongue feels heavy and useless, "I'm pretty good at physics."
"could you?" her eyes light up, "like, right now?"
I nod.
"well then," she stands up and outstretches her hand, "follow me."
