"I didn't know you and natalie were so close," I say casually while we leave our classroom and exit to the crowded street.
"everyone in our town was," he says. that makes me feel a strange relief, to what I'm not sure, and I bite the inside of my cheeks to hold in an inexplicable smile.
"there were only 100 people in our entire high school," he explains further.
"shit," I say, I grew up in brooklyn, and went to the second largest high school in our area. the idea of a high school that small is pretty unimaginable.
"at the time I hated it but after spending my last year of high school in a hardcore catholic private school I grew an appreciation," he smiles, "we were an oppressed regime that's for sure."
"what was it like?" I ask, all I want is to listen to him talk for as long as possible. I frown a bit at this strange urge but the way he speaks when he's not stuttering is captivating.
before we arrive at adam's dorm syd has recounted a variety of stories, him and his friends stealing his teacher's prized nativity scene and hiding it in the boys bathroom, the smartest kid at his school rigging the announcement system to play kanye west when turned on....
needless to say I gained a lot of respect for him.
"what was your high school experience?" he asks as we enter the dorm building.
"uneventful," I explain as I direct syd to adam's dorm, "big school and no friends, pretty depressing."
"I can't imagine that," he confesses, "not to sound like a dick but I've always had friends and if someone as unimpressive as me can, couldn't you..."
he trails off and suddenly loses his former confidence and starts stuttering.
"here we are," I quickly cut him off and try to open the door but to my surprise it's locked, "that's funny. adam never locks his door."
"don't you see the doorknob," syd says chuckling a bit.
"well yeah," I say looking at the clean white sock hanging from the doorknob, "it's a sock. so what?"
"do you not know what that means?" syd stares at me incredulously, "it means his roommate is getting laid."
I crinkle my nose in disgust while syd chuckles at me.
I become frustrated quickly though once I realize that I had plans with adam and no where to meet him.
I start knocking at the door.
"oh my god carolyn what are you doing," he hisses.
"finding out where I can find adam," I explain though he looks dissatisfied with my reasoning and deeply embarrassed by my actions.
after knocking for a good minute I'm about to start kicking when the door flies open and adam stands there in his plaid boxers with an angry look in his eyes.
"I'm bu-" he stops when he sees me and syd there.
"you've got a sock on your doorknob," syd says, "you don't want people to get the wrong idea," he tugs it off the doorknob and offers the white sock up to adam.
before adam can take it I take his attention away from the sock.
"why was there a sock on your doorknob?" adam looks at me slowly and pauses.
"sam had his girlfriend over last night," he says looking me in the eye briefly before looking at the ground.
"sam?"
"yeah.."
"your abstinent roommate derek?"
adam is silent and my worst fears are confirmed. after the party he'd been acting distant and kept on blowing off our plans. I'd known something was wrong, up until now I thought he'd been mad at me, or bored with me but this..
"adam," my voice comes out weaker than I thought, "are you cheating on me?"
saying it out loud is unbearably painful, seeing his reaction to the accusation is torturous.
he hangs his head like a little boy caught in a lie, like a stupid coward.
"yeah."
syd's eyes widen and a gasp escapes me.
"is she here?"
"yeah."
"adam," cries an indignant voice from under the bed, clearly upset that her stealthy hiding spot has been blown.
"you can come out morgan," adam says loudly.
There's a rustling underneath the bed and a brunette comes out. I don't recognize her, she definitely wasn't who I was expecting. I was prepared for some victoria's-secret-esque girl but the messy haired girl with smudged purple lipstick who stands next to adam is shockingly ordinary.
"morgan?" syd stares at her wide-eyed and she looks down sheepishly.
adam puts his arm around her, holding her close to him. I feel as if something inside of me has caught on fire because everything seems to melt away, all I see is his arm around this purple lipsticked atrocity, he holds her the same way he would hold me and all I want to do is get his stupid arm off of her and in response I crash into his arm with all my might.
he lets go and backs away from me until he's at the other end of the room while I yell unintelligible angry words and knock down the stacks of books within arms reach. I feel someone wrap his arms around me and pull me away. at the doorway I see morgan retreat into the corner, with the sheet still wrapped around her.
I stop screaming once the door has closed behind us and I stop moving, letting the anger seep out of me. the fire is gone, in its place is a feeling of weakness. my body feels tired and shaky as hot heavy tears slide down my cheek and small hiccups leave my throat.
syd lets go of me and puts his hands on my shoulders, "it's ok, it's ok," he soothes.
"It doesn't feel ok," I say through tears. a group of people walk by and cast us side glances but I'm almost incapable of feeling any bashfulness.
"my brother always used to get cheated on," he says, "just the type of girl he was into I guess. it drove my mom crazy seeing him date all these "filthy, silly girls" as she called them."
"is morgan a filthy, silly girl?" I ask, insulting her makes some sick side of me feel better.
"no," syd sighs, "I mean I guess I don't know her as well as I thought."
"I don't know adam," I say factually while wiping away my tears. it's a fruitless conquest as more come but in smaller amounts, "maybe I almost did. but not enough."
"I still have the sock," syd says, he loosens his grip on the sock, which is looking significantly more crumpled, "should I go back and return it?"
I stand laughing where a few metres away I completely lost my shit.
"congratulations syd crane for winning a free sock."
he chuckles and shoves it in his pocket, "so... physics."
"screw physics," I say, "I just want to go home and sleep."
every inch of me feels tired and numb, all I want to do is go to my dorm and hide in my bed, it's a bitter form of refuge but it's all I have.
"ok," he pecks my cheek before, "see you next thursday?"
"next thursday," I confirm. my salty cheek tingles lightly where his lips touched.
once he walks off I touch my cheek, it's moist with tears but there's a warmth to it.
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Shoutout to hidinginmysoup for being so supportive and giving the best music advice and for giving me life with her amazing book. Thank you everyone for the votes and comments they're very appreciated!!
