That Person Would Be You

Chapter 13 - Lily

I was startled by my sister's deep voice, scared but trying to sound scary, saying "Who's in there?!"

"It's just me!" I answered quickly and she showed up through the kitchen door holding a hockey stick in her hand. "Are you holding a hockey stick?! Do you even play hockey?!"

"Oh thank God it's just you..." She said looking relieved and ignoring my questions. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd only get here in the afternoon..."

"Yeah well, it's my little sister's birthday and I figured she deserved a special breakfast, so..." I said and turned around to get the plate full of chocolate chip pancakes. "Happy birthday!" I said smiling at her.

"Chocolate chip pancakes?" She asked looking surprised. "Like dad used to make?" She said blinking quickly.

"Yeah, I remembered how you always loved them so much and I couldn't think of the last time we had them..." I shrugged and put the plate down next to her place. Liv looked up from the plate of pancakes with an almost teary smile. "Thank you!" She said and hugged me tightly.

"You're welcome, little one," I said, I always felt so protected when dad called me that I figured it might do the same for Liv.

"How did you even get here in time to cook everything?!" She asked pulling away from the hug and looking at me and the plate of pancakes shocked, but seating down in front of her seat and placing some pancakes on her plate nonetheless.

"I got on the 6 o'clock train from Oxford," I explained with a shrug.

"You did what? Just to make me pancakes?" She asked with her mouth still full. She immediately put her hand in front of her mouth. "Sorry. It's just... you didn't need to..."

"I know," I said with a shrug. It wasn't so bad actually, James was already up when I woke up and we texted all throughout the train ride. It wasn't anything much, the talk, nothing too personal really. Just talking about tv shows and me going home and out with her sister. He said if there were any videos of me dancing on top of a bar again I'd have to send them over. I laughed and promised I would. He said he wished he could go out with me and I promised we would do that when he came back. 
I ended up not studying as much as I wanted on the train because of it, but it was worth it. 

"What? What got you all smiley?" Liv asked me.

"Nothing..." I shook my head not really ready to share. Even if Liv was inviting me to go out with her friends we were never that close, we never talked about boys or even simply what was going on in our lifes. We shared the basics only, no I don't like that food, yes I do like those clothes, I'm going to uni, I can help you study, not if you're gonna be a dick about it, no I don't have plans for Friday evening, etc.
And I was definitely not ready to tell her about how great it was talking to James, how he was funny and nice and caring and nice and innocent and sweet and... and James. I wasn't ready to tell her about the conversations we have or how vulnerable I felt the other night when we talked about me and my past and my problems, only to feel comforted. Nor was I ready to tell her that when I was working late the other day he saw that I was online when I was messaging Jane and told me it was "too late, you should be sleeping by now..." and I answered "you too" and followed that immediately with "want to talk?" and he answered a video call. 

He wasn't in his bedroom I knew well by now, but in a little room, I had never seen before.

"There is almost always someone in here, so we prefer to call you in private." He explained with a smile. He looked tired, with bags under his eyes and I worried about him.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked knowing there had to be a good reason for it seeing as his day was probably very tiring. Actually seeing as his day was very tiring. Period. James had texted us saying he'd call some other day just because he was super tired and was going to bed right away. 

"It's nothing big, why aren't you?" He asked and I decided that I wouldn't let him do that, not again. This time I would be taking care of him as well.

"I had an assignment to hand in, I'll sleep in tomorrow." It was true, I was able to do that now! Insane what emotional stability can do to a person. "But you didn't answer my question." He smiled but he was silent, probably thinking of what to say. "You can tell me, I want to help. For once."

"Don't say that." He shook his head and smiled a little, his eyes still sad and tired. "You help more than you know. These conversations help."

"So... want to talk about why you're not sleeping right now?" He looked down and scratched the back of his neck. 

"I don't want... I don't want you to think less of me." He said and even though his voice was anything but loud before, probably not wanting to wake up his friends, it was barely audible when he said this. Thank goodness for the mic in the headphones. 

"I could never," I told him truthfully, now that I thought about it, I knew it to be true. I knew he'd never do anything that would make me think any less of him, just because he wouldn't do the kind of thing that would make me think less of him. 

"I'm scared." He confessed and I didn't say anything. Surely, this couldn't be what he thought would make me think any less of him. "I'm really scared. Like, I-almost-shat-my-pants-after-we-returned-to-base-the-other-day scared. And I know I shouldn't be, I don't think your brother is, but... fuck. It's scary and I want to make it, I want to return home... alive! And every time I get out of this fucking base I'm just...." He shook his head lost for words. "And now I have nightmares about it too, every now and then. I wake up freaking out, clutching parts of my body where I was shot in my dream." We were both silent, I waited for him to finish saying what he had to say. "I'm sorry to... I don't know, disappoint you." He said and he looked so ashamed it hurt, it was painful to watch. I wish I could hug him and kiss his temple and his cheek and squeeze his hand and tell him I was not disappointed, there was nothing to be disappointed over. But I couldn't do all of that so I did the next best thing and told him that.

"You're a numpty if you think I think any less of you for being afraid. A real numpty! It's a good thing to be afraid sometimes, it's good that you don't want to just give up your life. It relieves me to know that you're scared, that you're careful. I don't know who said it, but I'll say it again 'courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it'. And, I mean, look at you: you're still there and you still do what you need to do. You're a brave person, James Wright." I said and I tried to smile warmly at him, I tried to smile in a way that showed him how much I liked him, how much I still liked him, was in awe of him.

"You're not... you don't think it's embarrassing?" He asked with both fear and hope in his eyes.

I shook my head and smiled at him. "I think I would love to be able to hug you right now," I admitted. He closed his eyes for a second and smiled.

"You have no idea how I wish I was with you tonight..." He said and I smiled. "Not to sound creepy." He added and we both laughed.

"Lily?" Liv asked waving a hand in front of her. "what the fuck happened there? You were lost in your own world, weren't you?"

"Yeah, sorry..." I admitted, feeling a blush rushing up my next. I shouldn't be blushing, she didn't know what I was thinking about, I didn't need to be embarrassed. "You were saying?"

"I was just saying it was nice to see you smile, mum was freaking out a bit you know..." She said and I nodded looking down, now I was really embarrassed. Even my little sister knew how much of fuck up I was.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that." I muttered.

"It's not your fault." She shrugged. "It's just nice to see you smile. Anyway, did you bringing clothes to go out like I told you?" She asked with a smile.

"Yup!" I answered with a bright smile. "And the make-up and the hair wand and everything!"

"Nice! I'm happy you're tagging along." She said and stood up. "Now I have to go take a shower before the family gets here for lunch and I still stink." She kissed my forehead quickly from her standing position to my seating one. "Thanks. For everything."