jongdae's list ; [xiuchen]

xiii

If you aren't that kind of an observer, the you'll fail to notice how Jongdae had became weaker and paler. He found it hard it speak and even move on his own. He experiences series of headaches, stomach pains and muscles pains and I was there. I saw it all. and it breaks my heart seeing him cry. Seeing him ask for help to let the pain go away.

I didn't leave his side when Baekhyun told me the shit I heard last night. I refuse to believe it. But I was afraid, what if it was true? I didn't want to leave Jongdae's side. I want to be with him until the last second... even if it hurt.

Jongdae had just woken up from his sleep after vomiting blood. It was a shocking sight for me, I didn't know what to do. He held onto my hand tightly. It was so tight that it left a mark. But it also let me feel how Jongdae was hurting when he vomited blood.

"Hey hyung." He said, voice hoarse. "Have y-you e-eaten?" He asked weakly, I wanted to cry, I'm losing him, I know I'm losing him. But I kept my composure. I wanted to be strong for him.

"Yes, I have.." I smiled. "Jongin, Kyungsoo, Yixing and your parents they came in this morning while you were sleeping?"

"R-really? H-how was Jongin?"

"He's okay, he said he told me to tell you to heal quickly and come home, he missed you. They all miss you"

"I miss him too. I miss them," He said quietly. "Hyung?"

"Hmmm?" I took an orange and started peeling it, so Jongdae can eat it. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" He asked. I nodded. Of course he can tell me a secret. 

"Yes, of course." I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. "What is it?"

"I'm afraid hyung.." His voice began to crack and I expected the words that came out of his mouth. "I'm afraid to die... Hyung I don't want to die." and for the the first time in my life I had seen Jongdae broke down into tears, begging for death not to come for him.

Jongdae didn't want to die. When he said he wasn't afraid of death, it was a lie.

He was afraid.

-

"Hyung, let's stay up all night please." I immediately shot him a look. 

"Aren't you tired?" He shrugged. I was tired, but if Jongdae wanted to stay up all night, then I'll stay up all night with him. I fixed his covers and fixed the convertible bed beside his too. He was lying on his side, and I was lying on my side too. We stared in each other's faces.