jongdae's list ; [xiuchen]

x

It felt weird crying for someone who didn't leave but was still there right in front of you. But if hurts so much more to know that the person right in front of you, will wither as time goes by, and you may not even have the chance to say goodbye.

"Hyung, hey. Stop crying, people are starting to crowd outside, they might think that I'm beating you up." He said laughing, I felt his hands on my shoulders and I wanted to hit him right there, because this is not the time for him to laugh, not in this kind of situation. 

The situation where I knew he was dying. That he could leave any second, or he could die just right there when I blink once.

"I hate you." Was all I could mutter, but we all know that I don't mean that.

I felt him hug me and I hugged him back. 

"I know," his hug became tighter. "Everyone here hates me anyway. They hate me for accepting death and reality. They hate that I am too cheerful about dying." I choked. 

Why is Jongdae like this? How can he not be afraid of death?

-

It took me not long enough to calm down, and we both decided to eat what I brought. Baekhyun came in with a convertible small table, followed by Chanyeol who was carrying a chair for the three of us. 

"Why are you two here?" Jongdae asked, smiling. "I'm finished with my morning schedule, did we forget something?" Chanyeol set up the table near Jongdae's bed and placed a black plastic bag on top of it. Baekhyun walked towards Jongdae's bed.

"Nope," Baekhyun said, smiling. "We're here to eat with you guys, and we brought some food that aren't from the canteen, it's cheat day today, Jongdae." Baekhyun said happily. "You can eat whatever we brought today, and we're not restricting you, just know your limits." Jongdae smiled. 

And I appreciated what Baekhyun had said about cheat day. It was one of those moments that they make Jongdae feel like he isn't battling with cancer.

-

That day, I decided to stay with Jongdae, even if he was asleep. First he refused and asked me to go home instead. But as a stubborn hyung. I stayed. I didn't want to leave Jongdae. It was peaceful. Jongdae was  sleeping with a calm expression as if he was dead, and that scared me, if it wasn't the slow rising and falling of his chest, anyone could've thought he was dead.

As I looked around, I saw his list, lying innocently on his bedside table. I read it. Five things on the list had a strikethrough. Indicating it was done.