Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?
Chapter 1
Three and Half Years Ago
"Sara, we've had this discussion before. I'm not ready for kids, I don't know why you keep bringing this damn subject up," Randy yelled at me.
"I'm sorry...I just thought that since we haven't been all that...careful, that maybe we should talk about what would happen if something like that should happen," I said softly. More than anything I wanted to tell Randy that I was already twelve weeks pregnant, but I knew he was going to be mad. He had told me time and time again that his career was the most important thing to him right now and he didn't have time to settle down with a wife and family. I knew his career was demanding, but I still hoped that he would make an exception for me. We had been together for almost two years after all. I thought we had the start of something special and long term. He had told me countless times that we had something special; I guess when he said that, I thought he meant that we had a future together. I guess I was wrong.
"I've been plenty careful, Sara. If you were to end up pregnant, it damn sure wouldn't be mine," he shouted, his steel cold blue eyes flashing.
"Are you accusing me of sleeping around on you, Randy?" I shouted back. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. The look on his face told me that, yeah, he was accusing me of that. "I can't believe you would say something like that! I've been nothing but faithful to you for the past two years!"
"How do I know that, Sara? I'm only home two days out of the week. That gives you plenty of time to sleep around on me!"
I picked my purse up and started walking towards the door. I was done having this conversation with him. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he yelled after me.
"Away from you! I'm done, Randy; I can't handle this anymore. Your career is more important than me, I never see you anymore, and when you do come home, all we do is fight!" I slammed the door behind me and started walking to my car. I sat in the car for a few minutes, looking back at Randy's house and wondered what the hell I had just done. I was pregnant. And alone. Pregnant with a man's child who has said repeatedly that he doesn't want kids and doesn't plan on settling down for a long time. Now what was I going to do?
"Looks like it's just you and me, cookie," I whispered as I rubbed my belly. I started to car and headed home to start a phase in my life without Randy.
Present Day
I had just walked in the door from another long day. It was late; I carried Caden into the house and down the hallway to his bedroom. Poor little guy had a long day and he was exhausted. I managed to get him to wake up for a few minutes while I changed his pull up and got him into his Spiderman pajamas. I laid him in his little bed, kissed his forehead and he was out like a light again. I sighed, looking at his angel-like face while he slept. He looked so much like his father...
I walked down the hallway and headed into my bedroom. It had been such a long day. I could still hear the phones ringing in my head. I work for the city's busiest law office as their senior administrative assistant. I loved my job; it paid the bills and gave me some great legal experience while I worked my way through night school. In another year and a half, I'll be graduating with a degree as a paralegal. Mr. Russo promised me a promotion and a job as a paralegal in the firm once I graduated. By then, I'm pretty sure all of my dark brown hair will be gray and I'll be too tired to actually do any legal work. It's not that my life is bad; it's just very busy. I'm 26 years old and I swear some days I feel like I'm 40. Being a single mom to a three year old, working full time and being a full time night college student can really take its toll on a girl. I love my son, he's my whole world; it's been just me and him since before he was born. I walked out on his father when I was about three months pregnant; Randy didn't even know I was expecting. I never made an effort to track him down and let him know either. He had his chance with me; it's his loss that he's never going to know his son.
I changed into my nightgown and grabbed one of my textbooks. I still had another hour or two of studying to do before I could even think about going to sleep. I was so tired. Some days it felt like I was neglecting Caden. It felt like I only spent time with him in the morning while he was eating breakfast and then for an hour or two before he went to bed. I had to keep reminding myself that this would pass eventually and when I got my own life on track, things would be better for the two of us. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.
I started reading my book with the intention of finishing up the last two chapters before I would let myself fall asleep. I felt distracted tonight. My mind kept wandering. I hated to admit why it was hard to focus. I hated thinking about him. He was my whole world for those two years that we were together. I really thought that I had fallen in love with him. It hurts to admit to myself that he obviously didn't feel the same way about me. He didn't bother running after me that day that I ran out on him, and he never made an effort, that I know of anyways, to come find me. It felt like he had just moved on with his life, forgetting all about me, about us, about all of the fun we had together, about all of the love we had made with each other.
It was no use. I had to get up and look at it. I threw my book aside and got out of bed, heading over to the cedar chest at the foot of my bed. I knelt down in front of it, took a deep breath and opened the lid. I found it right away. I took it out and sat down on the floor, leaning my back against the chest. Before I looked at it, I close my eyes made myself promise that I was not going to let myself cry. I took another deep breath and opened my eyes. My gaze went right to his face. After I walked out on Randy, I took this photo out every night and bawled my eyes out while looking at it. It's been awhile since I've done that.
It's a picture of us standing on his front porch, our arms wrapped around each other and he's kissing me on the cheek. We look so happy. I miss him. It's been over three years and we haven't spoken or had any contact at all, but for some reason I still miss him. I look at the picture of us for a little bit longer before I sigh and put it back in its secret spot.
I dread the day that Caden starts asking about his daddy. What am I going to tell him? That his daddy didn't want him? I could never do that to my son. I have enough love for that little boy that he won't need Randy in his life. I just have to keep telling myself that we're better off without him. Right?
