King of Spades |Book 1|

Chapter 36 • Selfish

-Dane's POV-

The first thing I do when I hear the cars pull out of my driveway is scream. I let out the loudest, raw, and ingest scream I have in my entire life.

How have things come to this? I never wanted any of this for Rayan or Talus. I want normality. I want my little sister to go to high school like a normal teenager, and my brother to get a stable job or go to college. I want a career for myself. I want to be in love with somebody. I want a family of my own someday.

I know now that none of that will happen. Rayan will be stuck in this loop of unhappiness and misfortune as she is mixed in with Salem and I. And my brother will either die or give up on all of this and leave. And I will sure as hell blow my brains out soon. My suicidal thoughts are starting to come back. The mental pain is beginning to be too much. I don't think I'll be able to survive my own demons.

For a split second I think of the 'what ifs'. For a split second I let go of reality.

What if all of this drama comes to an end an we can all be happy?

Rayan can pursue whatever relationship she wants with Salem and attempt to be happy. My brother will survive this and he can work out all his issues with Simone. And the rest of everybody can find the peace they deserve.

We all deserve peace, even though it will never come.

The optimism I once had when I was younger has completely left my body. It took the sympathy, empathy, and selflessness with it. Rayan is right, I do only care about myself.

If you only cared about yourself you wouldn't be doing all this for the people you care about.

My conscience screams this at me. It engraves it in my brain so I won't ever forget. But most of the time I do because I'm too busy trying to be a cold hearted asshole. I know in the long run I'm going to lose everyone for being this way. And yet I don't change my action because my motivation to continue this life has also left me.

Every one of these soul crushing thoughts leave my mind when I look over at the picture of my sisters and brother I keep in my room. They are the only reason why I haven't given up in everything yet.

I already lost one of my siblings. I don't want to lose another from my selfishness. Talus has already started a deep loathing for me, I can see it in his eyes. He's distant, quiet, and less worried about the outcome of things. He was never the 'go with the flow' type guy until I changed him.

Rayan. Little does she know she's my entire world. I would give my life for that girl. We used to be so close, but then everything with the Blackwood and Wyatt rivalries happened. I was more worried about selling product than taking care of my family. I see how that effects her every day. It kills me to know that she's hurting inside because of all this mess, but I do nothing to change my ways.

The words she said downstairs hit me on a next level. I know she's right. I'm selfish and inconsiderate an only focus on the present and not the future. But I was made this way. My heart is a cold abyss an it can't be fixed. I've lost too much hope for myself to ever want to try to fix what damage I've created on my mental state.

Everybody has a shitty life, but I think mine is at the top of that list.

My phone rings in the middle of my raging thoughts. I pick up but don't say a word.

"We just admitted him now, and came up with a story for his wound. Everything is covered," Navy's voice rings through the phone. I stare blankly at my wall. Without speaking I end the call, throwing my phone on the desk in my room.

All I know is I hope he pulls through. For my little sisters sake especially.

-Salem's POV-

The empty look on Rayan's face pulls at my heart. Even if I don't like Talus that much I feel for her.

Her face is tear stricken and her eyes are full of worry. She sits slumped in the hospital waiting room, right across from me. Sasha is to her left an I can see his body language pointing towards her. I can see he wants to comfort her, but I know at this point he won't try me like that. Then I look at my sister which breaks me even more. The love of her life has a chance of dying. I can't even imagine if Rayan was in her brothers position.

Did you just indirectly call Rayan the love your life?

I feel like she is. I haven't known her that long but having somebody else in my life the way she is makes my stomach sick. I don't think I could ever see myself with someone other than her.

She's the reasoning for my new happiness. And nobody can piss me off as much as this girl. She has me on strings I didn't even know existed in myself. If I ever lost her I don't know what I would do.

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Another chapter guys I hope you enjoy:)

How do you like the duel POV chapter?

This chapter was not edited sorry if there are any type of mistakes.