The Pieces Left

Chapter 5

"I'm sorry" he said as he walked to me and hugged me. I was as stiff as a board. My thoughts were scattered all in my head. I pushed him off me. I looked into his soft brown eyes, trying to find the sense in what he was saying. "Can we talk? Somewhere else?" He then asked. I stood there, frozen. I couldn't answer, I couldn't move. "Stevie, I want to explain" he said. I then took a look around me and saw people starting to look at us. I quickly  snapped back into reality. "Fine" I said. Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief and took my hand. He led me to his car and I hopped in without thinking. It was as if my emotions were leading my body. The car ride to his apartment was quiet. The radio played but nothing could break up the tension. When we got there, we both sat in the car. "You ready?" He asked awkwardly. I nodded and then opened the door. I knew exactly how to get up to his apartment. When we got to the door, a million memories hit me. I hesitated and then let him open the door. "Do you want anything? Water? Tea?" He asked. "No thanks" I said softly before taking my jacket off. I sat down on the couch I knew so well. He followed me to the couch and sat next to me. "What happened?" I finally asked. He sighed and looked me in the eye. "I fucked up" he said. "She graduated early from high school, she was my babysitter for a while but when she started college at Fordham, she couldn't be around as much. She was a TV/Film major and she asked me if she could tour the studio and ask some questions one day....I agreed and invited her to the studio. She mainly hung around me that whole day but she then started to come on to me." He said. I looked away. "I have been so lost for so long and when she told me she had been with a bunch of older men, I started asking about it. We then started talking about things that were just inappropriate.......I then invited her back to my place and at first it was fine and okay but then she kissed me.....I saw you in her and kissed her back......after the first time, I promised myself never again. But that didn't happen. She's 18 and she told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago......I messed up" he admitted. I was in shock. The story sounded so fake but I knew from his face it was true. "What are you gonna do?" I muttered. "I don't know" he said. "I'm thinking about getting out of my contract with the show. There has already been talks of Seth taking over because how poor ratings have been. Ever since what happened with us, people don't like me as much" he joked. "I'm ready to get out.....I'm ready to start over" he said. "What about your daughters?" I asked. "They hate me.......blunt way of saying it but it's the truth" he said sadly. He had lied earlier about everything being fine. "Nancy stopped bringing them to the visits and the court hadn't bothered to do anything about it. Greg is basically their father now. Winnie is school aged now and she has formed her own opinion of me" he admitted. "I'm sorry" I said sympathetically. "Yeah, the last I saw her she ran out of the room and insisted on going home. Nancy later told me that kids at school were making jokes about her dad being a 'sugar daddy' and it absolutely upset her. In a way I've taken her innocence" he said. There was long pause. I felt so sad for him but angry. How could he do that to another girl. He's so lost. "I'm so scared......she wants to keep the baby" he said. He looked up at me. "Say something" he said. I couldn't. In truth, I wasn't supposed to be here, I wasn't supposed to talk to him, I'm not supposed to be in love with him. "Stevie, please" he said. I had tears in my eyes and a giant ball in my throat. I couldn't speak without collapsing into tears. "Stevie, it's been too long" he added. "I've been so lost without you.....we have so much history, I mean we've known each other for almost ten years." He said. He was right, I had never even thought about it. I've known this man for almost ten years. "I need to go" I finally said. He looked surprised. "What? Stevie, please stay" he pleaded. "No, I shouldn't even be here" I said as I got up. "Where's my purse?" I asked flustered. I needed to cry, but I couldn't do it in front of him. I didn't want him to know how much of a hold he still has on me. "Stevie.....please" he said as he grabbed my arms. I pulled away and kept looking for my purse. It was behind me the whole time. I quickly pick it up and walked towards the door. "No! Don't leave me....not again" Jimmy said as he stopped the door from opening. I stood there, frozen. "Let me go" I said. "I can't" he said. "Jimmy, let me go! I can't do this, I need to you to stop trying to save me from a marriage I chose. You messed me up so much, so much so that here I am. A married woman and I'm in my ex-boyfriends apartment. No, I'm not completely in love with Beckett, but I can't be in love with you! So.....fuck you! Why do you keep fucking up?! Why'd you let that girl hit on you?? You knew how old she was!! You just have a thing for young girls! And I'm sick of being one of your little stories you'll tell to the next 18 year old. I hate you! I hate you so much because I can't hate you!" I screamed. I wasn't making any sense. "Please leave me alone! Because if you don't, I won't be able to....to....I won't be able to leave you alone! I won't be able to stay away from you! Jesus Christ!" I cried. "I can't quit you! I can't forget you and I just wish I could!" I said. Jimmy looked lost. He had tears in his eyes. He was speechless. I wiped away me tears. "Kiss me" I said. Before I barely finished the words, he pulled me close and my lips found his. I could feel my tears mixing with his on our faces. His touch sent shivers down my spine. My hands found his neck. His hands found my hips. Kissing him felt brand new even though we used to do it all the time. Every time he kissed me, it felt like an explosion of adrenaline went through me. I wanted him so much. My wedding ring also touched every part of him that my hand touched. The irony turned me on. At one point he pulled away and we looked into each others eyes. We both knew. He then led me to his bedroom. A place I knew so well. With every step, my mind raced. I thought about Beckett, my mother, the media, the past five years, everything. When we got inside the bedroom, he pulled me close again. His hands ran up my shirt and then pulled it off. His soft hands touching my skin made me tingle. I tugged at his shirt before he pulled it off. He kissed my collarbone and then my neck. I moaned in pleasure. Then suddenly the mood shifted from romantic to aggressive. He pushed me to the bed and started to unbuckle his jeans. The look in his eyes was different, I screamed 'now'. I then lay back on the bed and waited. I felt his hands find my jeans button and quickly tear them off. What was about to happen hadn't happened in 5 years. 5 years too long. What was about to start was sure to destroy the whole universe, a universe that I so desperately tried to restore after that last explosion. What was about to end was my misery but Beckett's was about to start. The sick thing about it was, I didn't care. I'm such a shitty person, I deserve a fucked up relationship like this.