Scattered Sanity (Sanvers)

A Losing Battle.

Maggie could see it. The glow, the vibrant luminescence that rose to Alex's eyes when she was with someone she cared for. It was shining like the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel, promising safety and comfort. The light that she always used to see whenever she came home from work, when she wrapped Alex up in a loving hug and planted a kiss on her cheek. The warmth that had been stolen from her two years ago, leaving her cold.

And now, that light was illuminating for someone else.

Since Alex was taken, Maggie started working less hours at the NCPD and instead spent most of her time at the DEO, so much so that she was basically regarded as an agent herself. The police force was a true passion of hers, but she had managed to find a home at the DEO. It was a delicate process to balance the two jobs. Because she was one of the top officers at the NCPD, her superiors had permitted her to change her schedule, so she only had to work three days a week at the police department. Every other day of the week, besides Sunday, she was helping out at the DEO. Maggie's responsibilities there were mainly centered around Supergirl. During Alex's absence, Kara and Maggie had relied on each other heavily, which forged a trusting friendship, ultimately allowing them to be an impressive team. Maggie assisted Kara over an earpiece, providing her with useful information and tactics, while Kara executed the plans.

All of this combined very pleasantly for Maggie. Or, at least, it had before. Recently, she couldn't come to the DEO without feeling sick.

She had stumbled along the two accidentally, on her way to summon Kara from the training room. It was the flash of russet hair that caught Maggie's attention and made her do a double take, yanking her focus away from the task at hand.

Maggie saw Alex through a glass wall, granting vision into one of the rooms reserved for quiet work. She was smiling at a woman next to her, who Maggie recognized as the newest recruit to the DEO, Ashton Hughes. Alex laughed at something Ashton said, placing a hand on her knee, and when she raised her head, Maggie saw it. Alex's hazel eyes were twinkling like miniature stars, overflowing with tenderness that blossomed throughout her entire being, most obviously in the betraying tone of pale pink on her face. Ashton slung an arm around Alex's shoulders, both of them paying no attention to the papers and study materials spread out in front of them, only absorbed in each other's company.

Maggie swallowed harshly, her heart physically aching at the sight. She knew that she shouldn't be jealous. After all, it wasn't Alex's fault for not remembering their previous relationship. It just so happened to be that the damned Rick Malverne's goal was to erase Maggie from Alex's identity. But that reminder didn't stop Maggie from sawing into her lip with her teeth and clenching her fists, her nails sinking into the soft flesh of her palms, bound to leave crescent-shaped wounds behind.

At that moment, Alex spotted Maggie through the glass. The redhead acknowledged Maggie with a grin and wave, then turned back to Ashton.

Maggie forced a smile before Alex looked away. With a pained heart, she trudged onwards to find Kara, the image of Alex's shimmering eyes seared into her brain.

* * * *

Maggie saw them together constantly. Each time that she was at the DEO, they always seemed to be in each other's presence, their eyes glowing with affection. It cut at Maggie like a knife, carving into her heart and slicing erratically. She tried to pay as little attention as possible to them, but it was an impossible feat. The aura that Alex projected always captured her and grasped her concentration without fail.

One day, presumably after Ashton had left, Alex caught up with Maggie as she was about to head home. The redhead called out her name, jogging up to her and flagging her down with arm. Maggie rotated on the balls of her feet slowly, hesitant to respond, her lips pursed expectantly.

"Hey, Maggie." Alex greeted. "I'm sorry that we haven't gotten to talk much lately, I've just been really busy."

Maggie stuffed her hands into the pockets of her black leather jacket, doing her best to relax her locked jaw and reply. "Yeah, I've seen you around with Ashton. It's okay, I know you've got a lot on your plate."

Alex blushed when Ashton's name was mentioned. She cleared her throat, then straightened up, composed once more. "Ashton's been a good study and training partner. She's helping me get back into the routine here, and I'm teaching her some of the tips that I can remember." She laughed, shrugging. "Which isn't that much, unfortunately."

"It's a shame that you can't remember much." Maggie's throat felt sealed off, and she struggled to produce genuine sympathy when there were stabbing pains in her heart. "I wonder if things would be different if you could." The anguish in her tone was obvious enough to be noticed by anyone.

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just forgot-"

"I know you forgot!" Maggie whirled around, startling Alex. Tears were welling in her eyes, but her deep brown irises were also blazing. "You forgot everything! And I'm just supposed to pretend that everything's okay? That being just friends doesn't kill me inside? I have to sit back and watch while you live your life without me. We had a lifetime of firsts that we were going to have with each other. We had so many wonderful and beautiful experiences together, and it's all been forgotten. It's all gone." Her voice was broken as she let go of all that she had bottled up since Alex's return, as she released her tension in a barrage of emotion.

Alex was speechless. She simply stared at Maggie, mesmerized by the tears splattering on her jacket and the raw passion that exploded from her vocal chords, and she was stunned silent. "I'm sorry." She feebly responded.

"I don't know if I can do this, Alex." Maggie admitted. "All I feel is pain because you don't want me." A cold feeling washed over her entire body as those words left her mouth. That exact sentence was one that Alex had spoken to Maggie after she had confessed that she had a romantic attraction to her, and Maggie rejected her feelings. Maggie recalled how hollow she was after Alex had said that, her words laced with venom and her tone unimaginably bitter. It had shaken Maggie, but it was the first step towards her realizing that she didn't want to live her life if Alex wasn't in it. Now, the roles were reversed, like a disgusting game.

A single tear trickled down Alex's face, and she shook her head. "I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be." She choked out remorsefully.

Maggie took a step nearer to Alex, gazing into her eyes. "I don't want you to change for me." She smiled gently and spoke softly, a strong contrast to her previous actions, but her face still shone with tears. "You know that I have always loved you exactly how you are."