Scattered Sanity (Sanvers)

Demons Resurfaced.

(In this chapter, we get dark again. Brace yourself.)

Despite the fact that it had been three days since the conflict, Alex was still immensely shaken by Maggie's eruption of fury. However, she was even moreso affected by Maggie's final words to her, the way she switched so abruptly from livid to benevolent, her sorrowful smile, and the large tears staining her face.

You know that I have always loved you exactly how you are. It was that sentence that made Alex freeze, her breath coming to a halt, and her heart closing in on itself to the sound of Maggie's receding footsteps. She felt so useless. She knew that she was pummeling Maggie into the dirt simply by existing, but she couldn't fix that. Still worse, she couldn't fix her patchy memories. Since she was now fairly certain that Maggie must have been a part of her past, she desperately wanted to find anything that indicated the assumption to be truth, always disappointed when nothing appeared for her. Maggie remained a mystery.

"You okay, Danvers?" Ashton asked. The two women were traveling to Kara's apartment to study, because neither Alex nor Kara had been too invested in separating them as soon as possible, so Alex lived with her younger sister.

Alex looked up her hands, which were fiddling anxiously. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Ashton's eyebrows creased empathetically. "You don't need to be stressed about anything. I got you." She reached over to Alex's hand, intertwining their fingers. "You're safe with me, I promise."

Alex stared at their clasped hands, her eyes following as they swung back and forth, almost hypnotic. The butterflies in her stomach were agitated and flapping wildly, and she hoped her palms weren't disgustingly sweaty.

As of late, Alex and Ashton's study session had been minimally productive. Rather, they tended to pass the time by learning more about each other. They'd alternate in asking questions, whether it be about family, friends, preferences or experiences. Alex had learned that Ashton had a younger brother who was only ten years old, she had grown up in Missouri, she liked dogs over cats, and she came out as gay at sixteen years old. Alex also exchanged the fact that she was gay, which made made Ashton's features brighten excitedly.

The women had become close friends over time, each of them finding someone to relate to and gain support from in the other. Gradually, Alex's perspective of Ashton had shifted from platonic to something more, a feeling that she couldn't recall ever truly having before. It was the warmth that enveloped her every time their gazes locked, the nervous laughter that bubbled up through her throat, the backflips in her stomach, and the way she self-consciously bit her lip. Alex knew that it wasn't necessarily love, but it was an inkling. It was an emotion that she had trouble characterizing. All she knew for sure was that she liked being around Ashton, holding hands, teasing playfully, or merely enjoying the company.

And she was pretty sure that Ashton felt the same way.

"This is it, right, Danvers?" Ashton queried. They were standing in front of the apartment complex that Kara lived in.

Alex came back to reality, breaking her train of thought. "Yes, we're here." She confirmed.

"Well then, lead the way!" Ashton gestured for Alex to stride ahead.

Alex did so, climbing a few flights of stairs in the process. She could feel the thick scar on her thigh stretching with each step, a reminder from Rick that he was still with her, in the form of a gruesome stab wound. When she reached Kara's apartment, she retrieved her keys and unlocked the door, allowing passage into the familiar space.

"This is nice." Ashton commented, soaking up the interior of the apartment.

"Yeah." Alex nodded. "I'm glad that I get to stay here, even if it's only temporarily."

"Where do you want to study?" Ashton questioned.

Alex surveyed the apartment, weighing her options. "I think Kara's room should be good." She decided, guiding Ashton. She placed the study materials on a desk, then grabbed chairs for the both of them.

Ashton took her seat, her full attention centered on Alex.

Alex sat beside her, grinning. "So what should we go over first-"

"I don't want to study." Ashton interrupted.

The redhead was bewildered. "Then what-"

"There's been something on my mind lately, and I really need to tell you." Ashton interjected again.

"What is it?"

Ashton sighed. "Alex, you are amazing. And I love every second that I get to spend with you. But," she paused. "I don't see you as just a friend anymore. To me, you're more than that. I want us to be more than that."

Alex's mouth parted, her cheeks colored a furious red, her mind whirling. "Me too." was all she managed in her tornado of thoughts.

"Really?" Ashton's eyes glittered with hope.

Alex nodded, her heart pounding.

The dark-haired woman leaned forward, delicately cupping Alex's face in her hands, and their lips pressed together.

After a second of pure shock, Alex gathered herself and kissed back, her eyes fluttering closed as she savored the precious moment. It was soft and sweet, the perfect first kiss with someone that she possessed romantic feelings for. 

Ashton tilted her head, deepening the kiss, and her hands slid from Alex's cheekbones to her waist. She stood up, prompting Alex to do so, their lips still connected. She broke away for a short moment, then dove back in, more forceful than before, her tongue seeking passage into Alex's mouth.

Alex's lips hesitantly parted. She didn't want to rush things, but she trusted Ashton. Their mouths moved in sync, a tandem dance that Alex had never practiced before. Yet she believed that Ashton was introducing her.

Ashton stepped forwards, making Alex stumble backwards to Kara's bed. The shorter girl pushed Alex down onto the bed, crawling on top of her with a new, greedy look in her eyes.

It was that greedy look that startled Alex, causing her to reflexively tense up. "Hey, wait-"

Paying no mind to Alex's obvious reluctance, Ashton silenced her with another kiss, shoving her tongue into Alex's mouth aggressively and pressing her body against the other's.

Alex carefully tried to push Ashton off of her. "Ashton, stop for a second."

Ashton glared. "Come on, Danvers. Don't be a prude." With that, she attached her lips to Alex's neck, her hand crawling up Alex's shirt intrusively. 

Now extremely uncomfortable, Alex began to struggle. She was wiggling in an attempt to escape, but she was pinned under the body weight of the other, trapped. Her heart rate escalated. And her demons, the ones that she had been so intensely repressing, came flooding back. She saw Rick on top of her, she felt his lips trailing over her skin, and his hands where she didn't want them to be, violating her. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she violently thrashed, whimpering.

Annoyed, Ashton reached under Alex's shirt. She grasped at the skin there, simultaneously undoing the button on her jeans. When Alex covered the area over the button, Ashton snatched her wrists in her fist, holding them above her head. She removed her other hand from under Alex's shirt, and focused again on Alex's jeans. After a few tries, she was able to pop the button open, and with much difficulty, she slid the pants off. 

Alex was sobbing, her chest heaving. Her mind was battered with the wretched memories of that day with Rick. In her head, she pleaded for someone to arrive, for someone to find her and free her from this recurring hell. 

Ashton's fingers moved southward. 

Upon contact, Alex squirmed vigorously, twisting and turning her body. But Ashton was stronger, and she was able to push her limbs into a useless position. She assumed total control, going back to her previous action. In her anguish, Alex wasn't able to hear the door to Kara's apartment open, or the rapid footsteps that approached their room. 

"Get away from her, you bitch!" And Maggie Sawyer punched Ashton fiercely in the side of the head.