Dear Dad,
I love you. You raised me perfectly. Please don't let this letter make you doubt that. It is because of you, that I'm the person I am today. Please keep an open mind about this, and that no matter what happens, I will always be your child. I'll simply say this right now, I'm not pregnant, I'm not on drugs and I don't drink. That's not what this is about. My hand is shaking as I write this, it's really hard for me. In all honesty, I'm terrified about what you will think, and how you will react. I'm writing you a letter, because it's been so hard to say it all in one shot without breaking down and crying, or getting into a fight with you, or being so terrified of your reaction that I'll just change my mind and pretend nothing's wrong, and that my feelings can wait, or maybe I can still change so I don't have to deal with having to tell you.
I know it's been awhile since we last (really) talked, and I know you've noticed that I haven't been myself. It's true, and sometimes I just don't know how to keep lugging around this weight with me not knowing what will happen if I share it with you, or at least ask for help in carrying the load.
I'm a boy. I've been feeling this way for well over two years now. I hate this, dad. The feeling that I don't belong in my own body. It's like my mind is linked elsewhere. This body of mine is just a shell. I have the body of a girl, but the mind of a boy (The technical term is FTM, or "Female-to-Male", so you can look it up on the internet and find out that our situation is hardly unique; You can also read stories from other parents who have also had a daughter turn son. You're not alone). I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I can't really word it any other way. I can't help the way I feel, or the way that you will react. I'll never be like before. Skirts, bows, makeup, nail polish... I'll never be that girl. I am a boy, a male, a man. Emotionally, of course (Yes, I'm quite aware of my anatomical gender). Whatever happens, know that you're the best parent that a child could ask for. I'm sorry I won't grow up to be a beautiful woman, I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you raised for the past thirteen years. I tried so hard, please believe me.
I don't like lying to the people I love, and going on like this is hurting me. I'm not afraid of who I am anymore, and I've come to terms with accepting myself and embracing who I really am. I hope you can find it in yourself to accept me as well. You may argue, "You're too young to experience something like that," then please tell me, why am I? If I'm too young to be the person I really am, then what exactly is my purpose in life? I want to live freely and be complimented on who I am inside rather than this body I'm trapped in.
I try so hard to be happy with it, but I can't help but wish for a more masculine appearance, for a smaller chest. Selfish or not, this is how I feel. I can't be who I really am. I can't express my true self in this body. I don't want there to be crying, anger or frustration when you finish reading this. I love you, dad, I really do. I could have never asked for a greater parent. Nothing can change who I am, or what I've become. I am human. I am your child.
Please know that I wouldn't be coming to you now with this information if there were other options, so please don't ask me if I'm sure or if I think I can still change my mind. Please don't ask me to try being the opposite sex, because I have tried and rejected it as much as you would reject the suggestion of me being a boy. I know that sometimes these feelings can be a phase for some, and if that were the case with me I'd tell you. But this is not a phase. It's part of who I am and who I'm going to be.
I am a boy, and I am so scared that you'll hate me. Some important people around me haven't been the best about this. I'm so scared you'll also tell me that the world will not like me, and that religion will shun me, or that I will end up alone. I've already heard all of that before but hoped that you, as someone who loves me would never say those things.
I'm afraid you'll blame yourself, or that it has anything to do with how you raised me. It doesn't. I know that this is not what you intended for me, and that you probably don't understand what I'm telling you right now and what it means. But the only thing I ask is that you love me for who I am, being your child, and that you won't reject me.
I've thought about it a million times and played all the scenarios in my head. You know sometimes when I am quiet and you ask me what I am thinking or what is wrong? That's me playing out my options. I know that the easiest route to avoid all of this would be to keep my secret to myself so I don't rock our boat.
I could take all the steps you expect of me and live as a girl. I know that would make you happy. But your happiness at that lie would crush me. I'm sorry if I believe that you don't want to crush my heart and soul by following what you want for me. I'm sorry if it turns out that your happiness would be affected if I decided to pursue mine.
Please know that I've been thinking about telling you for a long time, and I didn't have to tell you now, or at all. But I don't know, maybe something in me is saying that you'll love me no matter what, just like you've always said that I could choose any ambition, career, or hobby that makes me happy. You've always taught me to be truthful, to be honest with myself and with others, so I hope you know that I can only be happy being true to myself.
Maybe it's naive for me to hope that I could share my happiness with you when I find the one for me, or that you will accept me as I am. I hope that you will still love me and respect me the way you always have, the way you've embraced me and the person I've become, the way you have loved everything about me before everything I've told you today. I love you, and it's taken all my strength to take the biggest risk of my life by asking you today to love me too. All of me, the way I love all of you. I know this is going to be difficult for you.
I don't expect you to be able to completely accept everything right away. I am able to tell you because I know your love is unconditional. You've always loved and supported me through my entire life.
Love,
Mathew
