I knew that Mike had some issues with himself but never had I thought that it would've been so serious. The guys told he even got suicidal at times but they would always convince him and change his mind. Not only for the band of for the fans which was a very important topic too but also for his own mental health which, to be honest was a mess. The guy thinks he's actually useless and not attractive at all and that made me want to punch him straight in his flawless face. I mean of course he had flaws, everybody does, but he was perfect in his own special way, which I happened to love along with three other jerks who considered him as their brother.
I on the other hand was sitting next to him on his couch watching Catching Fire with him. Actually he was watching it, I was observing him while he was quietly eating his pop corn. I should not be but was so mad at him not only for not telling me but also for making his self suffer for no reason. I really wished he could truly see what the others saw in him. His humour, his kindness, his cuteness, his beauty inside and outside. His genuine smile could make people forget their problems and smile as well. Obviously he was blind to see that and had chosen to make his own life difficult. I really wanted to show him what a great and beautiful person he was. I wanted to make him happy again. Make him smile for real. But that would be hard since it was Michael Gordon Clifford we were talking about.
"Is there a problem?" His low voice bringing me back to reality. His gaze was still on the big TV watching Jennifer Lawrence make out with Josh Hutcherson.
"You tell me Michael. Is there actually a problem?" My voice wash harsher than I intended it to sound while my orbs were peering through him and he immediately turned his head to meet my gaze. He acted as if he did not even know what I was talking about but I knew that he was aware of the subject I was referring to. “Just be honest with me this time.” My tone was low and now I was looking down. I was hurt. Really. Not only for his dishonesty but also for what he was going through without me. I wanted to be by his side when he felt the pain. I wanted to support him and stand by him even though he obviously did not trust me enough to open up.
“Keeping things to my self does not equal to lying you know.” He spoke without looking at me. I got closer to him crossing my legs on the couch and facing his side. He brought his gaze back to mine, the television illuminating him almost to perfection. “I’m a mess, okay? I don’t find a purpose of being happy anymore. Everything’s dull and boring.” He paused trying to breathe steadily. I could see how hard it was for him to express what he felt. “I’m just sick of everything and everyone.”
I knew he didn’t really mean what he was saying and that it was because of his impulse but it still hurt that I could not make him feel safe. That I could not make him trust me. My hand rose to his hair to caress it gently as I knew this always made him feel a little better. I got even closer and he rose his head to look at me. His face close to mine. His breathing stable now. “You know that’s not true Mike.” I whispered making sure I sounded as sincere as possible. “Why don’t you trust me? We’ve been friends for years and I think I deserve to know what is going on and how you feel.” He kept looking at me. “I just want to help you.” I was still whispering. “Just give me a chance and I promise I’ll do anything to make the pain fade away, I swear to God.” He just kept starring at me. After a few seconds of silence he inched even closer and buried his face in the crook of my neck exhaling deeply and sending chills all over me. I could sense his frustration and how badly he wanted to talk and spill it all out of his chest but it was also hard for him.
He remained silent as he kept taking in my scent which to be honest did not bother me at all. My hand was still stroking his dyed hair while his was around my waist. “I did not wanna talk about the whole situation to you because I didn’t want to push you away from me. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose you just because I’m a selfish dick. You’re too important.” He mumbled the last words against my neck as if he didn’t want me to hear them. The way he spoke made me feel his pain. I just wanted to do something so I could prove him that he mattered, that he was important, that he did not deserve to be in such pain, that he should not feel that way about his self. Because I cared, everyone did actually. He just had to open his beautiful eyes and face the reality.
