How To Love Again. (Sequel to 5YIN)

-nine-

  I layed across Brandon's lap as we layed in the darkness of his dorm while he blasted his Led Zeppelin vinyl. The only light being the brightness of the mid-afternoon sun peeking through the closed curtains. I didn't know what this was. A relationship, friendship, or what. But I liked it and I didn't want to ruin it.

"I really like you." I awkwardly blurted. I felt Brandon's abdomen shake under me as he laughed.

"Thanks I kinda like you too." I looked up at him and smiled at the sight of his eyes crinkling while he laughed.

"I'm sorry I'm so awkward." I sat up and leaned on my elbows. 

"I'm at least ten times more awkward than you are. So having you around makes me feel like I'm not that bad." I think that was his version of being reassuring. 

"Oh good to know." I teased. 

"You need to be more confident, Alison. I don't know what that douche bag did to make you feel like you aren't good enough." 

"What makes you think he's the reason for my insecurity?" 

"Because. You're God damn beautiful and anyone would be lucky to have you. But I can tell that he ruined you. And I am going to try and fix that." He tucked my hair back. He made me realize that Harry wasn't going to determine what happened with the rest of my life. I was my own person now. He was just a chapter of my book that needed to be ripped out page by page. And Brandon was going to be the person to help me rip out those pages. 

I closed my eyes as he got closer and closer. I didn't need to open my eyes to realize his lips were just barely touching mine. He brushed them over and then pulled back again before really actually kissing me. I rested my hand on his shoulders as he pulled me closer to him our lips still touching. I took in everything about this moment. The music, the way he smelled of cologne and cigarettes, and the way he made me feel. Wanted.

My happy moment was short lived when someone knocked at the door. Brandon pulled away but rested his forehead agaisnt mine.

"What?" He called out.

"It's Jess." He houghed and pressed another rough kiss to my lips before standing up and heading towards the door. 

"What?" He asked again as he opened the door. 

"I need Ali." She looked over his shoulder at me and I awkwardly stood up. Since when did she ever need me. 

"What's wrong?" I ask with no actual concern. 

"I kind of spilled shit all over your bed." Jesus. Of course she did.

"Oh. Okay. Well. I have to go take care of this I guess." I shrugged as I turned around and pressed a quick kiss to Brandon's cheek as I left the room. I tried my hardest not to blush as I walked down the hall to my room. He made me feel so happy. But he was also one of those people that clearly were not easy to figure out and I really liked that. 

"I didn't spill anything." Jess flatly remarked as we walked down the empty halls.

"What? Then why'd you come get me?" I said suddenly pissed that she ruined the moment.

"You have a visitor." She opened the door and stood there waiting for me to go in. "Be glad I lied to you back there. Otherwise, Brandon would be flipping shit." 

I walked into the room and shut the door behind me. And I wanted to throw up when the tall lanky man I knew turned around and looked at me with the look that I never wanted to see again.

"Harry. I told you to leave me alone." I stayed put. I didn't go any closer. I couldn't mess this up.

"We have to talk. Please." Deep down I knew this had to happen. We had to talk about this. But I was afraid of it. We both knew that we were toxic for one another. I couldn't go through this again. 

"What is there to talk about?" I sat on my bed and he sat across from me on Jess's bed. 

He ran his hand over his hair like he always did. "Us."

"Are we going to talk about the way you left me and then never talked to me again, or the fact that you got married and didn't bother to tell me." 

"You know you aren't right, Ali." 

"But I am."

"No! You aren't! I don't think you realize what happened after that night in the apartment. They took me away and I was in a cell for a few days. Until your mom dropped the charges. While I was by myself, I thought about this. We dated when I was twenty and you were fifteen. We thought it was okay. I wanted to think it was okay. But it wasn't and I think even you know that now." I tried to protest but of course he wouldn't let me speak.

"Listen to me, for once. That didn't change the way I felt. That doesn't mean I regret ever kissing you, or holding your hand, or making love to you. Because I loved you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But after thinking it over, it hit me that I was hurting you. People in your school hated you, your friends stopped talking to you, and it was all because you were focused on me. I loved that at the time. But I loved you so much that I wanted you to have an actual life. I wanted you to be successful and you couldn't have that with me on the side. You're smart, Ali. Really fucking smart. I mean look where you are. You're too smart to throw your life away for me. And that's why I never came back. Believe me, I have so many letters I never sent you. I wanted to. But I couldn't. I thought about you everyday. I thought about you when I was laying in bed alone at night. I thought about you when your favorite songs came on the radio. When I looked at our pictures together, I thought about you all the time. I still do. But I had to move on for the both of us. It hurts like hell everyday. But I want you to know, that I meant it when I told you I couldn't forget you."

By this time I had tears spilling down my cheeks. I took my sleeve and wiped them away. 

"I really don't know what to say." I hardly spoke. My head hurt and I felt like I was slowly deteriorating again. I was just so happy with Brandon. I felt like I moved on. Which I had. But here he was in front of me. Making me feel like I did three years ago when I met him at the boardwalk. I felt vulnerable.

"I miss you, Harry." I stood up and threw my arms around him. I sobbed into his chest. This wasn't me wanting to be in a relationship again. This was a matter of just having him in my life. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend.

"I miss you so much." I sobbed louder and clutched onto the back of his shirt. His grip around me tightned and he buried his face into my shoulder. Memories of his fingers tangled in mine as we layed together flooded my mind. Our drives during the day when he would jokingly sing to me and I'd laugh. When we spent days at the beach with the guys. When he told me he loved me. 

"I'm so sorry things turned out this way, Alison." He whispered. "I never meant to hurt you." 

I held onto him tighter than I ever did. Almost as if he would dissolve any second. Like he would disappear and I'd never see him again. 

I had no words. I wanted to say something. Anything to let him know what I was feeling. But I didn't know what this feeling was. I just wanted to hold onto him for as long as I could.