Secrets Cause Silence ✓ [Secrets Book 2]

[Chapter Four]

                                          "He always apologized,
                                       and sometimes he would even cry
                                    because of the bruises he'd made
                                         on her arms or legs or her back.
                              He would say that he hated what he'd done,
                             but in the next breath tell her she'd deserved it.
                                          That if she'd been more careful,
                                     it wouldn't have happened.
                                             That if she'd been paying attention
                                 or hadn't been so stupid,
                                            he wouldn't have lost his temper."
                                                       ― Nicholas Sparks

Chapter Four

It was my birthday today and I was so excited to be going out with Than. I loved him and I was stupid before for saying what I said. He loved me and I could learn to get used to sex with him. I was selfish to not give him that, he's given me so much and a year is a long time to be together.

In the times we've slept together the last couple months I learn to cry less and less about it. What's done is done. Sure I would have liked to be married but Than and I would get married one day so it wasn't that bad.

He took me out to dinner and my parents were actually there. For my birthday they told me I was moving in with him. I smiled but I felt dread sink within me. I wasn't ready to live with him. sure I had stayed over before but I wasn't ready for what that would entail, what he would expect from me.

I almost said I didn't want to but after the years of consequences from them and the year of them with Than I had learned to keep my mouth shut and say nothing. I smiled and nodded saying thank you and how happy I was but I was anything but happy about this. I liked my room and I liked my privacy. I loved that they would leave me alone when I was in my room. It was my private time.

Plus, Than would never try anything at my parent's house.

But I said nothing and in the next week we moved everything over to his apartment. I felt like I had sold my soul to the devil, my soul and body.

I don't know what was wrong with me though. I should be happy about this. The man I've been with for fourteen months and I we're moving in together and he loved me. I should be happy someone loved me because while it may not be important to my parents; love as important to me.

The first week we lived together things were actually great. We would cook together and it was fun grocery shopping with him. It was almost like we were a normal couple. We cooked and cleaned ourselves for the most part; a lady came a couple times a week to really clean but we picked up.

It was like after he proved to my parents he could take care of me it was like it didn't matter anymore as the months passed the sexual contact became more frequent, it was less of us cooking together and me cooking and cleaning always making sure to have it done by the time he got home.

I didn't have it finished once and I was nursing a bruised rib for a while but I should have known better. it was expected of me, but I just had so much homework and it was finals and there were tests and projects. Things got easier during the summer because I didn't work and I could focus on getting things done all day instead of worrying about homework.

As long as I had it done he was all smiles when he got home and we would curl up together and watch movies. He took me to New York for the week and we really reconnected then. He didn't raise his hand or voice the whole time and I was even surer that he loved me.

It was okay that he got mad every once in a while, he was stressed out with a hard case him and his father was working on and so I needed to understand that.

When we got back from New York things were great. The summer was fun and I counted the weeks that he didn't get angry with me.  I loved having the old him back, the one I fell in love with and was when we started dating.

I told him that and he just kissed me and agreed. We cooked together again and while I never got used to intimacy it wasn't as bad. It just felt to wrong to me but I knew that would go away if we got married.

Things were great but you know what they say, there is always calm before a storm.

Looking back now I realize I was never actually happy in this, I was scared and fearful. I made myself believe I was happy an in love because I knew I didn't have another choice about it.

I didn't know now that the rest of my life would become a dangerous and howling hurricane an I would never be able to feel the calm again that I felt that day.