Poems From Silence

Thoughts - Mini Poem -

I never know what to write. Or draw. Or think. I just can't do anything for myself anymore. I'm a quiet mess and I sit alone. I never realized how many thoughts I never tell anyone. I never realized how many times I bit my tongue instead of telling some one how I felt.

I just look to the ground and think to myself before walking on. I'm pretty sure love is just an idea. Not beautiful. Just something to say when you can't describe how you feel. Your heart is pounding. Your face is red. Your brain is racing for a response. But I'm pretty sure that counts as a panick attack.

I want to live. I want to love. I want to be a teenager. And I know it's cliché and stupid. I know it's been said a thousand times before. I know that love is just a shout into the void. I know this and say love anyway.

I'm so scared of loving anyone. If I have a crush, I just can't stop talking about them because, if I'm talking about them then I don't have to think about anything else. I don't have to think about my family. About life. About suicide. And how it beckons me every moment. I used to always think well, at least you have that, but now, it's just...

I'm so tired of having a mask. Of crying. Of happiness. Of emotion. I don't deserve it. But if I don't feel, I think I'm a monster. Emotions are just there to mess me up. And at this point, I think accept it.

I always have ear buds in. If I'm not listening to music, I have to listen to my thoughts. And that's far scarier than my own death. I always try to talk to people. I dont have to think then. But even now, I'm too scared to tell anyone I know this unless I'm writing. I can't be really myself around anyone. Not even myself.

It's 12:00 am and I'm not ready for bed yet. I'm just scared. I'm not strong. When things happen, I just walk on. I accept it and go on. Some say that I'm stronger than they are because I didn't cry. No. That's not it. I just am too scared to feel again. I need to be brave enough to feel but I can't. I'll never be a tough guy.

And every nightmare I've ever had has been about the people I care about getting killed without me being able to help me. And I found out that I can't trust people at all. Not even my own thoughts.

I can't cry for myself. I don't deserve my own tears. Or water. I'm fat and running in gym makes me out of breath. And if I am tired and need water, I'll get some. Just not enough. I sometimes won't let myself get the water I deserve.

But I don't deserve it. I'm not beautiful.