voicemail | moonbin

bonus - dear moonbin

5.02.17
5:38PM

dear loveliest moonbin,

if you've gotten this letter now, you've already understood what happened to me from my mother and father, but not why I chose not to tell you.

not even all of the doctors and nurses in that hospital can tell you why I didn't let you find out about me, moonbin.

truthfully, i was diagnosed with cancer ever since I was about 17. my parents were devastated about the condition I was in; helpless, weak, and fragile. their little girl was going to die, and they wouldn't be able to see her again. years and years they've always taken care of me regardless of my age, always texting me about going to the hospital to get my chemo, or calling me to ask if anything had gotten worse. when that started, I was functioning perfectly, being able to attend college, getting a job, and even playing a few sports just for fun.

but i could never get the fact that I was going to die soon out of my head.

that was, until I met you, moonbin.

when i first bumped into you in that small cafe we would always go to, all I did was stare at how beautiful you looked (even if you didn't like being called handsome or beautiful!).

and surprisingly, that was one of my worst days. my head was absolutely aching from the chemotherapy session I went to the day before, i had coughed up an unusually large amount of blood before I left the house. but, i forgot all about those things, when I saw you.

you looked so inviting, moonbin. your eyes held something that enchanted me. they were passionate and loving, something that I was deprived of. your clothes were all wet and sticky from the rain, and your cheeks were painted red because of all the running you did to get to the cafe. even so, you caught my eye.

as you ordered your drink and came to sit in the seats of the cafe, you passed by mine, accidentally tripping over my shoe, and dropping your drink all over me.

you were so scared! i was silently laughing at how you scrambled to get me some tissues to dry all the coffee on my jeans, and how quickly you apologized for your mistake. you were cute, moonbin. you're cute when you're flustered.

after that little incident at the cafe, i gave you my number, you gave me yours. and that night, all i did was go home and constantly look at your number on my phone screen, contemplating on wether or not I should text you.

fortunately, you texted first. you asked if I wanted to meet up so you could buy me another pair of jeans, since mine were "ruined." did you do that just to see me again? i'll never know.

that day we both went shopping for jeans was one of the best days of my life, because i finally felt normal.

it's funny how people say that the one makes them feel loved, you made me feel normal.

normality was just a concept to me. you were normal if you didn't have anything wrong with you. no physical problems, no mental problems, no nothing. i felt like i wasn't the same because of cancer. it was as if i was dirtied, in a way.

that's a bad way to think, isn't it?

i couldn't help it. i felt imperfect, like cancer was a flaw that everyone could see.

but, who would want to date a girl that had cancer?

i was afraid of love, until you came. you showed me how bright the world truly was.

wether it was the stupid pajama dances we always did once a week, or when you would always chase me around the apartment for always taking your hoodies, i felt normal.

but, you never knew that I wasn't normal.

its just that i was too much of a coward to tell you.

all of those nights where you'd come home from practice late, id be coughing blood in the toilet hours before. i wouldn't want you to see such a frightening sight, right?

you always looked so tired, falling into the couch after practice. i didn't want to stress you out, moonbin. i didn't want to put more weight on your shoulders. i wanted to be that girlfriend that always supported you no matter what.

i guess that won't be happening now.

but i want that to happen.

i want to see you debut with your friends, smiling and laughing when you get on stage.

i want to see you come home to me and sing me to sleep whenever it was your turn to.

i want to see you as a father, caring for the children we wanted to have in a small, cozy house once you decide that the life of an idol was too much for you.

but the world was and will never be fair to me, moonbin.

one day ill never get to see your face again, or ever hear your voice again.

it hurts, moonbin. it hurts to imagine that.

im sorry if im being a bad girlfriend for hurting you like this, moonbin..

i just don't want you to be stuck on me for the rest of your life.

i want you to find another girl out in the world who you would love like you loved me.

the girl that would never leave your side, no matter what.

the girl that would love you like I loved you, too.

she should be a song that you can't get out of your head.

she should be like the flowers, sweet and graceful.

she should be everything i'm not.

so, when the time comes, forget about me, yeah?

all i'll do is hurt you, okay?

ill be that dull pain you feel in your heart; the dull pain that'll never go away until you block it out entirely.

i don't love you anymore, moonbin. i loved you.

and you'll always be my first and last love.

signed,
y/n, l/n