Stuck in Love

Chapter 25

I’m stunned.

I feel like drowning in the last sip of alcohol I just took.

His words echo in my mind.

The noise coming from the loud music and the boisterous laughs all around just slowly disappear. Everything feels like moving so sluggishly that I’m able to pay more attention to details even the tear-like dropping moist on my bottle, the spilling water at the other side of our table, and the ice clanging in a glass. My senses flow away. His words are all I hear. “Hindi ko siya type, eh…”

 

I slowly turn to him as he drinks from his bottle and smiles carelessly. My mouth shuts automatically. I’m literally speechless in shock. Just a few days before he leaves for Australia, he admits I’m not his type—the clarity that I’m most afraid of facing.

 

Lyn and Sandro continue to talk but I can’t seem to hear anything around. A moment like this, I’m sure I’m going to break down in pain. Unti-unting sumisikip ang dibdib ko, I don’t know how long I can endure it. I need some space to scream out loud and cry on my knees.

 

“Excuse me…” I mutter to Lyn as I prepare to leave. “Lyn, I think I need to go.”

 

“It’s just 10:30. Are you sure?” Lyn asks.

I nod. “I feel sick.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

I stop for a while. Am I gonna be okay? I ask myself. “Yes, of course. I just need to rest. Happy birthday. I’m so sorry I have to leave early.”

“No problem. Sandro will take you home right?” Lyn turns to Sandro.

“No, it’s okay. I can manage. Bye,” I leave as hurriedly as I could.

I walk out of the bar as fast as I could. I’m hoping Sandro would follow me but I don’t want him getting any closer to me. I feel being suffocated. I clench my fist so hard I could bury my nails under my palm. My jaws are grinding in anger and pain. I’m trying hard to hold back my tears until I can’t anymore. The first teardrop falls. I’m quick to wipe it away.

 

“Uy, nagmamadali? Natatae ka ba?” He follows me and still has the nerve to crack a joke. Well, what does he know? Everything for him is just a joke. He blocks my way but I continue walking. “Where are you going? My car’s parked that way,” he points to his right as he walks backwards.

 

I continue walking, as much as I want to run, I can’t because I’m feeling weak. SJ then grabs my arm to try to stop me. “What’s your problem?”

 

“Nothing,” I remove my arm from his hand and continue walking.

“Stop!” I hear him say but no, I’m not saying yes to him anymore. “Stop. Don’t make me chase you.”

I stop. And I realize, I can’t take it anymore. My thoughts and my heart want to explode but how can they? They have already been shattered all around—in his face but he does not notice or he keeps himself blind. With all the courage and strength I have left, I hold my tears back again and slowly turn around to face him.

 

He sighs a little and put his hands on his waist as if he was relieved. “There you go.”

 

“You won’t, will you?” I bravely say. Then all the words come raining out of my mouth like a hurricane. “You won’t chase me…because I’m not worth chasing…because I’m not worth pursuing…because I’m not even worth a pound of affection from your fucking cold, numb heart.”

I see the confusion in his face as he drops his hands on his side but he smirks, instead. “You’ve had too much alcohol. I’m taking you home.”

“You see? You don’t even care.”

“What’s going on here?”

“Let me count the ways, Sandro Joseph Trinidad.” I slowly get near him. “I was living a normal life, I was okay. But then you came back. I fell in love with you 12 years ago. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. But you never cared. And it was painful back then. And now, I'm falling in love with you all over again. I almost thought it was over. I didn't realize I was still waiting for you after 12 years.”

Tears overflow down my cheeks like a river. He is just standing stiffly and awkwardly there, staring straight at me, maybe trying to digest and understand the things I’m saying. He wants clarity? I’m giving it to him. Magkaalaman na.

 

“I tried so hard to get away from you. I thought I could but I knew I couldn’t…because you’re like my morning coffee. You light me up and it’s okay for me to endure the boiling heat just to be with you, everyday. It hurts and confuses me when you tell me that we’re just friends…despite every moment we spent together, they are all for nothing? Wala lang? Can't you see? You don't have to do anything. You don't even need to move. Just the sight of you makes me forget that I’ve ever been in love with anyone else before.”

 

I look up the sky as if trying to find some answers why I’m going through so much pain right now…when all I ever do is to love. Why can’t I be loved back?

 

“Twelve years, SJ. Unconsciously, it has always been you for…12 years. And it's more heartbreaking now because I’m not a 12-year-old anymore. I realize that what I felt before was real. Because I feel it again. And I hate it. And I hate you because you would never fall for me. You would never find me enough as someone special. I would never be your type of girl. I don’t know if you really don’t know or you’re just stupid or you just don’t care.” I sarcastically laugh upon my own question. This is how crazy I’ve been. “I thought we’ve been closer. But it turns out, I’m still one of those pitiful girls who look at you from afar.”

 

I run to him and hug him so tight. I reach for his ear and whisper, “It breaks my heart…it tortures me to finally realize that…I’m madly in love with the person…who really can’t love me back…and I just want to give up.”

 

I let go and create a few inches away from him. I look down, trying to find my balance. I slowly turn my back and swiftly run away.

***