Always Been You

Chapter Three

|Rachel|

"Trust me, I hate this more than you do," Jessie said as he sat next to me in his living room. I stared at the Tv as Anne Hathaway gave her Tony Award Speech. I was jealous no doubt, but I knew I shouldn't be. We all had talent, she clearly had more than I did. This was the second time I lost, and I was truly feeling upset and disappointed.

"I doubt it," I said as I crossed my arms and changed the channel. "You've won like two Tony's-"

"Three actually," He discreetly grinned. "But that's not the point. I know you're hurting, and I truly wish you would've won that Tony. I know how much fame is important to you." Fame? Important to me? Of course it's great to feel famous but that wasn't the reason I did all of this. I wanted to be recognized for my talent, praised even.

"I'm gonna go," I said standing up. "I'll call you later." I didn't want to see him, I wasn't necessarily angry at him. I was angry with everyone and everything.

I closed his front door and made my way to my car and drove back to my apartment. My hands were tight on the steering wheel, I think my knuckles even turned white. In that moment all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to let out everything I had within me, all the rage, anger, disappointment and sadness.

Without even noticing, I had parked in front of my apartment. I got out of my car, locked it, and went up to my door. I opened it, and welcomed the silence and peace my quiet and basically empty apartment brought me. No one lived with me, I hardly had anyone with me in here. Maybe I was practically never here because it made me realize how lonely I really was. Yes, I have Jessie and all, but it's not the same. I didn't have a best friend, a close friend, or a friend for that matter. I mostly kept to myself, I didn't talk to anyone unless I had to. It was a sad and lonely way to live, but that's what I signed up for.

With a sigh I drop my car keys on the coffee table, and laid down on the white couches I had. I stared up at the ceiling, debating on what to do. I had felt sad lately. I know I'm not depressed, but I know I was really upset about basically everything. I don't laugh like I used to, I force my smiles now. It was like I was numb most of the time, my body was somewhere but my mind was somewhere else. I hated living this way, and I know I have to make a change.

I got my phone and scrolled through the daily news until my eyes landed on a certain article. I clicked on it, and my stomach churned as I read the headline. "'When you say you're fine even though you're not'". And right below it showed my reaction to the Tony Winner. I could see my face turn from shock, to anger and sadness, then to a fake smile. At that moment I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Lower down on the article it talked about me mostly, about my 'achievements' and my 'funny stage moments' which honestly weren't funny. I rolled my eyes as I kept reading until a realization hit me, my image made everyone think I was only in it for the money.

I kept researching articles about me, even though Amy had always restricted me from doing so, and read so many articles about how I was being told that I had no talent. My head started to hurt as I kept reading, my eyes scanned every page, sentence, and word.No, no, this isn't me!

With shaky hands I dial Amy's number, praying that she will pick up. Thankfully she did.

"Schedule a trip to Lima, I need to go back right now," I say as I started pacing around the lonely living room.

"What? Why? What's going on?" She asked.

"I just need to go back, I need to... recollect some things. I just need you to book a flight as soon as possible, I really need this," I sighed, I ran my hand through my hair to keep myself from breaking down.

"Okay okay I'll book it. Are you okay?" She asked and I nodded, but quickly realized she couldn't see me.

"I will be once I'm in Lima. I'll call you later, and thanks," I said as I hung up. A small wave of relief washed through me as I thought of going back to my hometown. And a part of me dreaded that, for I had left so many people behind.