Clinically Insane

0.1

I wake to a bright white room, obsessive beeping, blink. my eyes get used to the light, I tug my left hand to push my hair back just to have it fall back down to my side, slowly moving my head I look at my hand, drip.

sighing I throw my head back on the hospital pillow, I know what has happened, I hoped my attempt had worked, the weight on my stumach making my squirm, the feeling of rescriction, the voices in my head surrounding me, suffocating me, I scream, I don't know if its outloud or in my head but I still do, squeezing my eyes so tightly closed tears form, I slowly curl into the fetal posistion as easy as I can while being connected to the drip, ripping my hair out with my right hand.

I can hear a diffrent voice in my mind, a softer one. I close my mouth to follow the voices instructions of calming down, my eyes droop, it takes a second to realise a needle in my neck injecting some liquid that pushed me into sleep.

I pulled the trigger, as I did this I was tackled to the floor, the bullet shooting towards the ceiling making plaster fall, I scream out no, I want to die, I hate life, I don't want to be here, I don't know who it is, but who ever stopped me is craddeling me like I'm a baby, like if they let go, ill break. how can you break something already broken? I cry, I scream. I thrash around.

I hear voices, not like the ones in my head "calm down" I hear them say, I do, I sit there leaning against my bed, eyes screwed shut, deep breaths my eyes feel heavy, I hear someone screaming about pills, I nod, I took them, I can't find myself to say it, like its wrong, I think again, this person stopped me, I shout it as loud as I can, I'm wrapped in a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs and covering my face, I look up. eyes open. I don't know this person, he looks pretty, like a light is behind him, he has black hair and blue eyes, a strong jaw, I reach out to him, I want to touch him, I smile. hes got his hands on my knees and I swear I feel tingles, fireworks, before I say anything, I'm knocked out, the beautiful boy, gone.

My eyes shoot open once again, the dream I have gave a suspicious feeling of dejavu, I'm still in the white room, I move both my arms, feeling all my fingers, no longer connected to drip, I swing my legs round the side of the uncomfortable bed, internally screaming at the pain in my leg, what happened? the only thing I rememeber was my dream, and.I don't even know if it was real or not, everything had been so vivid, every colour seemed to brighten.

Plopping my naked feet on the floor I try to walk, taking success the first few steps before I fall landing hard on my bum, I laugh at the pain, raising to my feet I trot out the hospital door, something I've done alot, standi.g alone in the hallway I take in my surrounding, private room, thanks dad, hearing voices in the distance I turn left, walking lightly I sneak up the open door, ensure I'm not seen,back to door, I listen to the conversation.

"This has happened 3 times, what if next time Nate isn't there to stop her, if its bleeding to death or sleeping forever or with a bullet in her head she wants out, she's a danger to herself and others, you're lucky we had her under survalence from someone in the institute, observing her, if we didn't issue that, she wouldn't be here, which is why I sujest you let her come with me into the institute, not for long, juat untill shes emotionally stable but we cannot unless we have your consent"

"I give consent..."

Eyes wide, I burst in the room before he finishes, hospital gown to my knees, looking like hell I stare at my 'father'.

"Consent to what?" I speak through gritted teeth, my father, Billy, stares shocked at me, like he's seen a ghost, he comes at me wide arms which I back put of, confusion cloud his eyes, "Consent to what, father?" I spit out, he shakes his head as if he said something.wrong, dragging me by my arm I sit on a nearby chair.

"Hello Skarlet, its nice to meet you, I'm Dr Amahla, I've been looking after you for the past week, I understand you would want to know why you are here, well, you tried to kill yourself,«No Shit sherlock» We put you in a drug enduced coma, the scars on your arms made you lose lots of blood and we'be stitched up the worst ones, You didn't succeed in your attempt, if you had, you wouldnt be here, you were stopped by one of our, let's say friends, Nathan, he was and well still is, a patient at Harrington Mental Home, which is where you have to go, this is the 5th time, We had Nate watch over you when you're alone, to make sure you didn't try this, he was outside your house when you tried to do this, he stopped you, and brought you to us, a day after, he had a breakdown and will be returning.with you to our mental home, I know you don't want this but its for the best, you leave tomorrow" and.with that she left the room, I had a day, raising from my seat, I come face to face with my dad, scowling at him I turn, flicking my hair in his face and walk straight out the room.

Walking to my dads car after he gave me some sweatpants and a vest we drive home, as soon as we get there I wait for him to open the door, tapping my toes in inpatientness, as soon as the door swings open I storm up my stairs and into the bathroom, staring at my reflecting, I cringe. my hairs matted and knotted in several places, my make up is down my face, I look like death came up to me and slapped me in the face, stripping I get in the shower, washing my body and hair also shaving, purely cause I hate visable hair in any place other than my head, becoming wrinkled I hop out the shower and now look at my reflection, my brown hair is darkened from the water, the scars all down my arms seemed to have healed a little more, realising the water didn't help my make up. I get a wet wipe and rub off my runned make up, wrapping a towel round me I walk to my room.

Walking to my closet I pick out some ripped blue jeans, a collared shirt and my Beasleys jumper, putting on some black matching underwear, life's right when your underwear matches, Plugging in my hairdryer I sit infront of my mirror on the floor and start drying, letting my hair drop in soft waves, sorting my full fringe to spread across my forehead, I quickally rub bio-oil on my scars, changing into my clothes then putting some converse on, I trot downstairs to get some food, walkimg into the kitchen, I come face-to-face with my dad.

'Skar, I know you're angry, but this is nest for you, I've placed a suitcase in the living room for you to pack some clothes, take only what you want, you're allowed a phone and you can take your iPod, ill buy you any music you want, that's the least I could do, you Womt be there long, if you're fine you can leave, and goto that college you wanted to goto? Everything will be better once you get out" with that he embraced me in a hug, I know its half hearted, the day I lost my mother, I lost a huge part of my father, she was his life.

We had just got to the beach when 6 year old me ran to the ice-cream stand demanding one, my father ran up behind me and picked me up in the air, laughing, my mother warning him to be careful with a smirk to erasure her joking, we'd been on the beach over 4 hours when I decided to goto the arcade across the street, walking with my mum then letting go of her hand to run across the road, it all happened so quickly. The car came out of no where, my mum pushed me out the way and got hit in the process, I fell across he pavement and scrapped my face, the reason behind.why I was called ugly, a scar ran across the left side.of my fave, along my jawline, I rose from my fragile state and wobbled to my mothers motionless body, crying for her, my father came running and broke down, he no longer looked at me with love and care, I was just the monster who took his life away. I killed my mother.