late night thoughts.

three.

'The ones who notice the storms in your eyes, the silence in your voice and the heaviness in your heart are the ones you need to let in.'

TRIGGER WARNING:  Includes content on depression, anxiety and suicide. Please do not read if easily triggered by any of these topics.

What does depression feel like?

Depression, to me, feels like a constant squeezing sensation on my heart and chest. It gets tighter and tighter as my depression gets worse, squeezing more and more. 

Then, on a good day, it releases me. I get a few moments to breathe, to inhale and exhale freely, before I am squeezed again. This is an endless cycle that never really stops for more than a few seconds, before starting again. 

To live like this is extremely hard, to always have pressure on you. Most of the time I feel like I;m drowning, sinking closer and closer to the bottom. Until, one night, when I hit rock bottom and it all ends. Everything. I am no longer living. 

Lucky for me, this day hasn't come yet, and sometimes I wish it never does. But other days, oh how I wish I could. I have always thought about cutting myself and punishing myself. I have never done so though because I am a coward. I am a coward who is too afraid to feel physical pain, because she is scared that it will hurt too much when added to her mental and emotional pain. 
I have brought myself close to it, but I chicken out every time. 

However ending my life, I have come a lot closer to doing. I seem to have a fear of physical pain, and lucky for me, there are a lot easier ways to die than from physical pain. 

I could have easily ended my life on at least four occasions. But I didn't. I couldn't. Why? Well, the people I love. I have known people who are no longer here on their own will, and I saw how it affected everyone around them. All the people they love. And I can't do that to the most important people in the world. They don't deserve that. So, they are stuck with me. 

Ok, that was way too depressing. I am sincerely sorry for the fact that I just emptied the darkest corners of my mind onto my audience. 

Back to my point, hitting rock bottom. Lucky for me, I bounced off the bottom and came back up a little. However, that sinking feeling is still there. I feel it when I am an outsider at school, when I am ignored at home, and just when I think about myself. 'you're not good enough'. 'you're not even pretty'. 'you don't even fit in anywhere.' These thoughts can drive someone crazy. Maybe I am crazy, I mean, i'm definitely not sane. I say things that no normal person would ever think of saying. But that's just the way I am. 

Hey guys, I am so sorry about this. This is mind vomit that should never have escaped my head. Please discontinue reading this for your own sanity :)