Inner Thoughts

commitment

When you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me, I got scared. I want to keep things as they are right now. I like you, I really do. It seems that I am too close to loving you. I should agree and be your girlfriend, I should be thankful because you like me too. I should be glad because finally! There's someone who's willing to do those #RelationshipGoals I always dreamt of.

But I can't and I won't. It's not because I'm afraid of commitment, it's because I know I am not ready to commit, I am not ready to get serious with you, I am not ready to be with someone who is too good to be true. I am not ready to take care of your heart while mine is still broken. It's just the way I am. I flirt a lot, saying sweet things that I shouldn't say. I've always run from guys who want a serious relationship. The time they admit that they like me, it will be the end of our connection. I usually do it. I acted like a bitch.

Then you came. You are so kind, smart, lovely, one of the nicest guys I know, and that scares the hell out of me because it would not be easy to walk away from you. You came and said you wanted us to have a long, serious relationship. At that moment, I should have walked away, but I didn't and that's the most regretful thing I did. Do you really like me to the point that you are willing to risk your heart even though you are well aware of how fucked up I am?

I'm afraid of letting you in, but I just did. You always tell me that it's okay for me to show my weaknesses, so I listen by telling you how much I love you. Yeah, it's my weakness because I know things change so fast and your love will fade while I'm still clinging to you. That's what I am scared of, being left behind, being unloved by someone who made my world.

So are you okay with that? Being with a girl who is not sure if she can be loyal for a long time? Being with a girl who got jealous if you talked with other girls but got mad if you stopped me talking to every guy I flirted with. Do you have long patience to understand that you are not my priority? That there is stuff I'm willing to put first before you? Are you willing to stay with me? Tell me.

PS: I wrote this 3 months ago, but things have changed, beliefs have changed. I think I'm really close to being ready for a long-term commitment haha.