mirrored

chapter six: blank?

My second-eldest hyung

had made a mark on K-pop history

to be the fastest rapper

in the world.

He'd gone for competitions and all

and it was one of the only things he was passionate about.

I was very happy for him.

Over the years, we grew closer

as we had to write, compose and produce even more

now that Hobi was out of the picture.

We were always in my studio or his

being the most musical we could.

But all legends need breaks

so we watched ourselves on Bon Voyage

and tried not to laugh.

We also cried sometimes

on each others' shoulders

because of all the pressure on our shoulders. 

He knew me to be strong

but I showed him my weak side

by always caving in on the eye sweat first. 

He had a relapse recently

and started feeling more depressed. 

All of us had gotten cuts from a knife in a reality show

except for him, 

so he was under the impression that he was a jinx. 

He specially rode down to a nearby merchandise store

all covered up,

bought a photocard of himself

and started cutting himself with it. 

All of us were worried sick

and still are

because we never knew when Yoongi would do something worse

as we knew that he had a stubborn streak too. 

I was deteriorating too

in terms of mental health. 

Because of the Geoul. 

And I had no confidence.

So how was I to tell anyone?

It was like there was a blank space in my lifeline

invisible to the naked eye

but when examined

was close to fading away.