It's Been A Long Year; Since We Last Spoke

Chapter 1

Demi's POV

6am. Early morning for me today.

Why?

Because I was filming my Stay Strong documentary today.

What's that you may ask?

A documentary about the troubles I've been going through these past few months.

You know the ones, the ones to do with my depression, my eating disorder and the cutting. Plus, the other parts of my life involving the best thing.

My music.

It's been about 4 months since I released Unbroken, and things have actually been great for me.

I'm not better no, but I was definitely worse a year ago.

I do feel unbroken, genuinely.

I have my fans to thank for that, and of course my loving family.

But most of all, I need to thank the place that I truly hated when I got there.

The Timberline Knolls Treatment Centre.

I don't even want to think about how bad it was at the start, disobeying the doctors and nurses...

refusing to eat.

I mean, still sometimes now do I struggle to eat.

But I've been taking baby steps surely but slowly.

Everyday has been a daily battle for me, and I don't think that's going to change for a long time.

I have no idea when I'll be fully recovered, but I know I need to stay strong.

But I can't hate the people that work at treatment, because they helped me a lot.

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to realise that they were against me, they were there to help me.

I knew that at some point, I would have had to try and do my best anyway.

So right now, I'm dead nervous. But I know that by filming this, I can be honest with my fans. This is what I'm doing it for. If they want to know the real me, then they're going to get the real me. I love them, and I couldn't have coped if I didn't know about their constant love on Twitter and Facebook. They have been so patient and kind.

If I could meet every single one of them, I definitely would.

Maybe I'll try one day. But seeing as I have over 5 million followers on Twitter, I don't know how the hell I would be able to meet them all at once!

Anyway, I must force myself out of bed and stop panicking otherwise I will not do it.

I must conquer my fear of everyone knowing, because if I don't they won't be able to help me if they don't know what's going on.

I stood up out of bed, stretching my arms up to the ceiling.

I was staying at a hotel, so everything felt weird.

I mean this hotel was lovely, but I never feel right when I'm not staying at home.

I feel like I'm staying in someone else's bed. But I guess it's because I'm just odd like that. I have all these little habits I guess.

I walked into the en-suite bathroom of my hotel room and stripped off my t-shirt and sweatpants I was wearing, stepping into the shower. The hot water brushed on to my body, and it felt good. I always love showers, better than bathes in my opinion.

They made me feel fresher, and they're quick.

Once I was done in the shower, I wrapped the towel that was nearest to me around my body and got another one to wrap my hair in.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

I looked... like me.

I looked healthy.

I then looked away from the mirror, knowing that if I stared too long I would start pointing out my flaws, even though a lot of people would disagree.

In fact, I know one particular person who would disagree with me.

"You're beautiful Dems, don't ever change...."

His husky voice echoed in my mind.

I couldn't think about him. No, I needed to stop thinking about him.

Even once.

I needed to forget him, or at least forget those possible feelings I had that broke our friendship.

I needed to try and forget the horrible past.

I knew that I needed to recover properly before I ever spoke to him again.

I knew that if I tried to speak to him again, I know I would just stop myself from ever moving past what happened.

But maybe in a year's time it will be okay.

After all, he was my best friend.

He was always there for me and I can't lose him completely. I wouldn't have survived as long as I did on the Camp Rock 2 tour back in 2010 if it weren't for him. In fact, in some ways, he's one of the people I need to thank the most over these past couple years.

Yet he's the same guy who stole my heart.

The same guy who hasn't given my heart back.

But have I got his?

I don't know.

I'm never sure.

I just wish things could have been better between us in the end.

I guess if we weren't famous, things would have been a whole lot less complicated.

I miss him so much, and I hate it.

But I am glad that I haven't been totally weak without him.

But it's like.... I need him, but at the same time I don't.

But I can't be away from him, or at least I hadn't been able to when I first got into treatment.

I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to stay.

But I knew that if I didn't let go of him, he wouldn't have been able to move on with his life. I knew I couldn't be selfish, because I truly cared about him and I didn't want to ruin his life with my neediness and my weakness.

I went into treatment because of him.

Purely because I needed to prove to him and myself that I could pull through and be the better person. I couldn't let him continuing on trying to help me when he had his own life, with his own struggles.

Things ended stupidly anyway. I couldn't even tell him how much he meant to me. It just came out in a mess, nervous laughter or whatever.

Thankfully, he's been doing great though. Or at least I think so.

Last I heard he was on Broadway!

I'm so proud of him, so fucking proud.

He deserves all the recognition because he is so talented, intelligent, charismatic, charming, intuitive, funny and all these other amazing things that I won't continue to list because it would take far too long.

On the plus side, he's so handsome and breathtakingly gorgeous.

Demi, focus for god sake!

I need to stop thinking about him.

I needed to focus on my life.

I needed to stop looking back at what could have been...

What could have been between me and Nicholas Jerry Jonas.