The Flowers That Grow Inside Us And The Butterflies That Bloom Within Ourselves

Unconditionally

My therapist told me that it was cynical of me to give out so much love when I didn't give any to myself
I felt so wretched because she was sort of right
I went home after that therapy session in distress

People have told me several times that I couldn't love anyone else until I loved myself
I didn't think those people fully understood what they were saying as in loving myself first was going to do any justice for me
As someone who's been through hell and back you'd think I'd finally learn to love myself but I was taught that I came second
That my feelings didn't matter
Even when I tried to be good enough for the people I loved they still somehow manage to make me think I was less than

I remember hating myself when I was in 5th grade
Notebooks filled with everything in the words of hate
Self sabotaging my ego
In 6th grade I had about 3 notebooks filled of my self hatred
I had enough pages filled to write out my life into a novel
The tear stains that stained the sheets of my notebooks could tell you how much it hurt to be who I was
By 7th grade I started cutting thinking that maybe the cuts would hurt less than the pain I felt on the inside
I was in 8th grade when I wanted to end my life
In 10th grade I actually found a solution to
I figured that if I took enough pills I'd overdose and die
When that didn't work I went back to cutting myself deep enough that I'd spill out all the blood into my notebooks and watch myself die slowly
I finally convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of being alive and enduring so much pain from people

When I wrote about how I felt I started smearing all the blood from my cuts to the paper in my notebooks to remember that all things that are beautiful bleed too
I'd pray to god that he'd take this pain from me and let me go

As a human being I have died so many times

But loving you made me feel like I was worth more than what I was taught I was less than
Loving you made me forget about the pain inside of me

Loving you is giving all the love I could never give to myself and have you be loved unconditionally
It's seeing how someone can love a wilting flower this way while still trying to water it everyday so it doesn't wither away
If someone can kiss the pain away and take the good days along with the bad days but still have the patience and courage to be with a dying thing like me
Then I can try to bloom again

Loving yourself first doesn't come in a day, overnight, months or even ever

Though your love will be the one flower that is picked and put into a pot so it can grow instead of withering away
Be the light that shines even through the darkest days
Be the days that it rains but then at the end of the storm there's always a rainbow
Be the hummingbird that's dying from the storm but still manages to sing even if it's dying

Loving myself or even you will not heal me
It will not wipe my blood stains away clean
I will always be a wounded soul
Of cut marks and bruises

Loving myself or even you will not heal me but it will give me some glimpse of hope to start anew again
And perhaps sing me a little tune that I can stay long enough to feel alive to even sing along to it

Loving you will make me want to live for the moment enough to actually learn to love myself unconditionally.