Artificial Happiness

"Self-Loathing"

"I am a paradox. I smile at pretty things and laugh at funny things, but late at night I become a mess of emotions and thoughts and I wish I could just disappear."

-

That's it, I ruined it all in one go... well maybe multiple, but this time I really fucked up. I was destroying him this whole time and I went about life thinking that I was fine, that what I did was actually just a coping mechanism and not actually something that hurt Gaelyn, even though at vindictive times, I was really hoping it did affect him. I was cruel, disgusting, I loathed every step I took and I wanted nothing more than to just disappear, restart, do SOMETHING of value for once in my pathetic life. I entered my house slowly, looking back once to see if he was watching me, he wasn't. I felt like throwing up at this point and I hadn't even eaten anything yet today. My stomach was churning like crazy and I felt as if I was never going to be okay again. If I had just told him how I felt, If I just sucked it up, this would have been different! I wouldn't be walking home with tears in my eyes and Gaelyn wouldn't be sitting in his house alone wondering why I did this to him... I shut the door quietly, keeping my head down as I passed the living room where mom was, she didn't need to see me like this, she didn't need to know what I did or how I did it. I just needed to keep going, pretend it was all okay and maybe she wouldn't notice me.

The next week was absolute hell, and by Tuesday I stopped going to school. I didn't want to be in an environment where all I could deal with was flirts, deadlines, social judgements, and seeing Glyn. I wanted to see him, I wanted to see him so badly, but I couldn't not like this, I needed a proper apology. I needed to pull myself out of this... this funk, before I faced him. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, I wanted to make both of our feelings a reality, a reality in which all of this hurt and despair didn't exist. I was tired of these shitty, depressing, self hating thoughts. It was even harder when you were me, aka the guy who was always talking, always flirting, always.... something. You see, when you hide emotions, no one really knows what is going on in you head except you and eventually you'll find yourself in this over emotional void like state where nothing you want to deal with in life exists. So most days I kept in my car, driving around town, going off to more distant areas, lakes, streams, the woods, I went to them all by myself and the whole time, my mind was filled up with nothing but blue eyes, glasses, and a laugh so cute it could put a basket of kittens to shame, and I loved cats, so that was saying something really rather significant.

By the time Mark came home, I was already back, face planted on my bed, trying to force any and all thoughts out of my head. I needed to think of one thing and that was an apology. I needed to do it without sounding like I was guilting him into forgiving me. I needed to just drop my manipulative behaviors and come at him completely clean.

"Val, are you really still doing this?"

Mark's soft voice reached my ears and I sighed loudly. Was I really still doing this to myself? Why?

"Yes, Mark, I am."

I mumbled back my voice muffled by the pillow I had my face smothered in.

"You know he misses you, we all miss you, man."

He added and I sighed, rolling over and staring at the guy I considered my best friend in the entire world, the boy who's mom adopted me after mine died, and the only guy that stuck by me even when I fucked things up beyond repair.

"I miss you all too."

I replied, awkwardly looking away from his concerned gaze.

"Then come back, man."

The solution he presented me with was so beautifully simple, there was no way it would work.

"Ha, you're funny, bro. I need to apologize to G, you realize that right? And Mark, in order to do that successfully, I need to have an apology, but my issue is, I have so much to apologize for I can't even put it together coherently in my mind. I just... I just can't-"

I was cut off midsentence with a jacket thrown at me and suddenly Mark was at my bedside.

"Shut up."

He stated simply, grabbing my arm and dragging me to my feet, I was about three inches taller than him, so once I was up, I looked down just a bit at my brother with my eyebrow raised.

"Now you know exactly what you have to say to him, I know you do. I know you can do it, man. Jack has been talking to him... so naturally I know, but I can't spill. I just know I an apology is going to help remedy this. Not just a wimpy 'I'm Sorry' , no you know what this is going to take, right?"

Mark spoke quickly, slamming his hands down on my shoulders and shaking me slightly. I nodded, looking at the ground again.

"Yeah I know."

I grumbled, back.

"Hey, man, chin up. You're okay."

My brother hit my chin, forcing me to look up at him, and I gave him a faint smile. I could always count on Mark to help me in situations like this. Even if he ripped into me when things where fresh eventually he came around when I realized what I had to do and he encouraged me. He always had and I like to think he always will. I took in a deep breath and steadied myself. Alright, it had been like a week since we fought. I could do this.... I could.

"Alright, I'm going."

I stated, sliding on my shoes and moving towards my bedroom door. When I opened it, I halted, well it looked like G was already here.