Gone

Part 13

"I'm not deserve any of this"

Natasha said with very broken heart

"All those kindness they gave to me, even Clint's mercy. Every day, i would think that i could be an avenger, but the truth is, i can't"

"Those memories, still haunt me, and i thought it would disappear and time would heal it. But it didn't . Maybe what Red Room said is right"

"Maybe i am destined to be alone, not having anyone to have my back"

And Bucky started to be furious because how Natasha acted about this suitability

"Nat, don't you dare talk like that. You and i know that your past was a mistake. You don't deserved it, but your past defines you what you have become"

"And for God's sake, please just move on, just don't think about it anymore. Red room is gone now, it's destroyed. And now, all we can think is just Avengers. They're your family"

Natasha frustated, rolled her head and growling a bit, and staring Bucky with her green eyes

"You don't understand, James. The thing is. I don't have anyone. Wanda have Vision, Clint have his family, Tony have Pepper, Steve have Sharon"

"You have Sam and Steve. While me, i got no one"

"Sometimes, i would think that i'm not exist in Avengers. I'm just an Avenger, just it. An Avenger that full of red in her past and everyone doesn't want her"

"Everyone forced themselves to interact with me"

"No, Nat, no, how could you said things like that?, everyone didn't force themselves to interact with you. You are one of the person in this Family"

"You don't know, James. I knew it because i already experienced it. Back in three years ago, there was this man, Bruce Banner, The Hulk. We got this some kind of spark and i thought maybe this was my chance"

"My chance to have a normal life. And then, i told him, just a little bit of my past, and the next day, he left me"

"He left"

Natasha turned her head, closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh

"I tried, James. And i failed"

Natasha closed her eyes and tried as best as she could to hold the tears in her eyes

"Why is so hard to live in this world? Am i that bad, so everyone doesn't want me?"

"All i want, in this world, just to become one of them, just to be part of it. And i guess i thought wrong"

"Nat, you're already be part of it when you saved the world from the Chitauri, from Ultron, even from Tony's ego"

Bucky tried as best as he could to make Natasha felt better

"No, James. I don't care about all of that, what i mean is, i want to be a human too. I want to feel what they feel. And i couldn't, no matter how hard i tried, i always failed, all the same"

Bucky knew, he failed to make Natasha felt better. Maybe, the damage inside her is too much, and nobody could make it better

Bucky moved closer to her and pulled her into his chest, he felt Natasha winced a bit, but he didn't care, at least only this he could do to made Nat felt better

"Uhh, James, what are you doing?"

"Hugging you, obviously"

"You are stupid, you know that"

"I know"

Natasha felt his smile on top of her head and suddenly she felt more better than she was

"Okay, soldat, i'm good now, i think we should get back, the air is more chilly than i thought"

"Whatever you said, Natalia"

She gave him a smile again, it's been a long time since someone called her, her true name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Tony announced that he and Pepper throw a party to celebrate their engangement

The other seemed very excited about it, but not for Natasha

She knew she would see the closeness between Steve and Sharon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the party started, people already came, but not crowded as it used to

Natasha decided to wore just a simple black leather jacket and black legging

When she was already in the elevator, suddenly, the elevator stopped and the door opened

And revealed, Steve Rogers, there he was standing with his too tight blue shirt, almost as same he wore back when three years ago, which is Ultron fiasco

"Oh, hey, Nat, didn't think would find you here"

"Yeah, same here"

As the elevator moved, the tension between them was very strong and very awkward

Natasha hated this tension between her and Steve, because back when they still partnered, they very comfortable toward each other

"So, umm, how's your day?"

Steve decided to break the tension

"Nothing special, just walking around the tower, as usual"

Steve nodded, "you know, i've been wanting to ask you about a thing, it's about Bucky actually"

"Well, what do you want to talk about?"
She said as she turned her head

"I don't know, it's just, you two seem very close"

"So? You felt jealous because i close with him?"

Natasha trying to tease him a bit, trying to make tension between them better

"No, of course not, i just think maybe there's something you didn't tell me about you two"

"Well, i think we have this conversation later, 'cause the party has started"

Natasha said as she walked out of the elevator, leaving Steve alone and a little bit confused before he decided to walk out from the elevator

Natasha founded Bucky sitting on top of the bar chair and decided to join him

"Can i have a beer please?"

And the waitress nodded and gave her, her beer

"Beer? I thought you kind a vodka girl"

"Well, not in the mood to drink that"

"So, i just happened to meet Steve in the elevator just now, and he asked about us"

"What do you mean about us?"

"I don't know, maybe he thought we are a little bit closer than the truth. I just think maybe it is the time we should tell him the truth"

"Truth about what?"

"About us of course, about our past"

Bucky let out a sigh, "yeah, maybe we should"