Wild Girl ✔️

chapter 14: dead

Sebastian

Dead. The word hung in the space between us as I waited for Rose to say anything. The seconds ticked by and she still hadn't spoken. I was beginning to regret telling her the one secret I had hid from everyone: that I had spent the last two years speaking to my dead ex-girlfriend nearly everyday.

Slowly, Rose sat down on the couch beside me and I let out a sigh of relief. "How... How is that possible?"

I stared at the space between us, unable to look at her. "Violet died two years ago," I confessed. "She had brain cancer," I felt my throat tighten around the words I refused to say in years.

Rose rested her hand on mine gently. "I'm so sorry."

With numb fingers, I brushed the tears off my cheeks. "I couldn't live without her," I cried, remembering what it felt like to have her taken from me. Clearing my throat, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. "It was a really dark time for me...That's why I moved here, to get away... Home was too much of a reminder of her."

"I understand," Rose said softly.

"Do you?" I finally removed my gaze from the couch to stare at her. "This place began to put me back together. It made me feel like I could breathe again. When the old owner told me he was closing..." My hand was trembling under hers. I can't do this. "I had just lost Violet. I could't lose the one place that made me feel safe, too."

"So you bought it," Rose whispered. "And you named it the Purple Woods Inn — after her."

I managed a sad smile. "Yeah, I did."

"I get it, Sebastian," she said reassuringly, her hand squeezing mine. "This place is my safe space, too. I wouldn't want to lose it either."

"I'm sorry I kissed you," I blurted out.

Rose tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Sometimes we do impulsive things to drown out the grief."

"Like move to the wild?"

She smiled. "Like move to the wild."

"I've been out here alone for two years, Rose. You're the first person I've spoken to that I had some type of connection with... I sort of forget how to do this," I admitted lamely.

"I'm not upset that you kissed me, Sebastian," she said, letting out a small laugh. "I'm upset that I let you kiss me. I just ... I'm not ready for this. My heart isn't in any condition to be given to someone else right now."

From the way her eyes lingered on our hands, her tear stained cheeks a light pink, I knew there was more she wasn't telling me. But I would wait, I decided, until we both were ready.

"Neither is mine," I admitted reluctantly. Violet still having a firm grasp on my heart two-years later wasn't something I was proud of.

"When did it start?" I raised my eyebrows in confusion. "The whole talking-to-your-dead-ex-girlfriend thing," she clarified.

"Oh, That." I pretended to have to think about it, not wanting to admit that I remembered the exact date, time and moment I had first seen Violet. "It was five months after I first moved here — seven months after she died."

"How did it happen?"

"I thought I was fucking crazy."

"It's probably too early to fully rule that out," Rose teased.

I unwillingly nodded in agreement. "I was hiking through the woods and I got lost. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in hours and that combined with the heat...I passed out. That was when I saw her." I could still picture how Violet looked standing over me, like a beautiful angel sent from heaven for my rescue. "I thought I was hallucinating, that I hit my head or something."

"Were you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Another guest found me and I came back here. I slept it off and the next morning, I felt fine. I brushed it off as a crazy hallucination. I forced myself to believe it would never happen again."

"But it did," Rose said softly, curling her knees up to her chest.

"Yeah" I smiled sadly, "it did. I saw her again the next day. And then the next. That was nearly two years ago, Rose, and I've spent every day since talking to her."

Rose let out a long sigh. "That's ... unbelievable."

"I know," I emphasized. "It took me a while to understand it, too."

Her wide eyes were watching me wearily. "So what is she? A ghost?"

I shook my head. "She's an illusion, I think," I shrugged. "I was so unwilling for Violet to truly be gone that my mind just clung on to this image of her that only I can see."

"And does it bother you? Seeing her?"

"I don't know," I admitted, meeting Rose's gaze. "At first I loved it. I loved seeing her and being able to talk to her. It was like she never died," I was whispering now, ashamed of my words. "But ... It's not healthy, Rose. This isn't okay. How am I supposed to move on when she's still here? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to say goodbye?"

And that was the hardest part. That no matter how wrong I knew this was, I couldn't stop. Because I'd rather spend my days talking to Violet and feeling crazy than spend the rest of my life without her.

I still loved her. And although I wasn't in love with her anymore, it wasn't enough to warrant a goodbye.

"Do you want to stop seeing her?"

"No," I admitted. "Is that wrong?"

"Of course not." Rose smiled and, for the first time, I felt a little less crazy. "You loved her, Sebastian, a lot from what it sounds like. I don't blame you for wanting to hold onto her, even if it's not real."

"Sometimes it felt real."

"What changed?"

"I met you," I answered quickly. When Rose's eyes widened in surprise, I raised my hands quickly. "Not like that," I clarified. "You kinda... reminded me what it was like to have a connection with, well, someone who's alive. And I found myself wanting that — wanting to finally move on."

"But moving on also makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel like you're betraying Violet by continuing to live your life without her."

I felt my mouth pop open in surprise. "You get it," I breathed.

Her lips stretched into that sad smile once more. "I do, more than you know."

"Who did you lose?" I asked wearily. By the way Rose pursed her lips and sat up straight, I knew this conversation was over.

"I'll tell you another time. It's getting late..."

"Right." I sat up awkwardly, understanding that that was my cue to leave. "Thanks for listening." I smiled. "And for not running as soon as I said the word 'dead'."

Rose's head tilted back in laughter and my eyes lingered on her neck, remembering what it felt like to kiss her. And, besides myself, I wanted to. Again. 

She took a small step towards me. Reaching out, she placed a gentle hand on my arm. "Thank you for telling me that, Sebastian." She laughed awkwardly as I followed her to the door. "Not that I totally didn't force you to...But thank you — for trusting me with your secrets."

"You can trust me with yours too, Rose."

She simply smiled as she held the door open. "I know."

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